These are the nights I can't stand. I find you to be so hypocritical it's ridiculous!
You are the one that introduced me to the group. I was fine where I was. Actually I think I was better off then then I am now. But you thought that after what 8 yrs you finally had the answers.. ya.. that worked out didn't it.
Plus it doesn't help when you start drinking. It's actually really annoying. It's so obvious too .. makes me just roll my eyes. You act so stupid it's just annoying as F*CK. You act like an idiot. And if you think that anyone doesn't realize it.. then you are a lot dumber then I thought. Which doesn't say much about me either then.
Just find it funny that you get up on your pedestal to like preach to me. Oh really.. come on .. :) haha.. funny funny.
These are the nights tho that I could stay up all night long just as long as I don't have to speak to you. Mainly because you make not a whole lot of sense. You think you do, but really .. ya you don't. You sound like and a$$. The problem about it is .. you don't remember it. You'll say you do, but the next time it happens, it's just a replica of what happened the first time, so doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But ya..
Well, that's it for me. I'm on to other things.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Why?
The one thing I really asked you of last night was to hold me while I cried. I needed to cry and I needed you there to hold me to say that everything is going to be fine. Instead, you just roll over and go to sleep. :/
I didn't think that was much to ask for .. to want for .. to help me. I'm terribly sad and you don't even notice. So when you say you care, how?? How do you care, you don't know you don't listen to me.. you have no idea what's going on.
Just sucks that a time that I really wanted you to just be there.. well you weren't. And say sorry all you want but guess what .. you weren't there. Can't take it back. Can't take back a lot of things.
Now I just wonder what to do today.
I didn't think that was much to ask for .. to want for .. to help me. I'm terribly sad and you don't even notice. So when you say you care, how?? How do you care, you don't know you don't listen to me.. you have no idea what's going on.
Just sucks that a time that I really wanted you to just be there.. well you weren't. And say sorry all you want but guess what .. you weren't there. Can't take it back. Can't take back a lot of things.
Now I just wonder what to do today.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Not Surprised
Haven't bothered with this.. so I noticed. Eventho I asked you about it. Eventho I told you how important it was to me, you never fail me on that.
Yes you had been helping out more around the house. When I was sick. Or not really being able to do it because it hurt. But now, you've already started to go back exactly how you were. You don't help out and I'm just alone. Sure your working late this week for until however long, but you did start this before then.
So, I don't know maybe I should just give up :/
Yes you had been helping out more around the house. When I was sick. Or not really being able to do it because it hurt. But now, you've already started to go back exactly how you were. You don't help out and I'm just alone. Sure your working late this week for until however long, but you did start this before then.
So, I don't know maybe I should just give up :/
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Been awhile huh
Been more then awhile for you then me. I've thought about writting before many times, but have logged onto yours to see that you didn't give a damn, so obviously why waste my time on you!?
Still haven't figured out the answer to that question yet. Maybe because I so desperately want to answer that question in a way that I'm not so sure is what I want to face. I want to keep my blinders on and pretend that it's something that perhaps it's not.
For 9 yrs I've asked .. I've requested.. I've threaten .. I've cried and begged
Do you get that?? Do you really understand that?!
Yet you get to go up on your hindhorse and act like you are well some kind of dream. That here what you've done is like water under the bridge. I just need to move on with it forget about it? I'm sure you'd be saying no that's not what I'm saying at all. Well it's what you do tho. You sit there and say I can't change it .. blah blah. God I wish I could change things. And not even necessarily saying change marrying you but the way I treated you..
It's like I gave you the frickin red carpet.. you didn't deserve that! You completely showed your colors on why you didn't deserve that. Yet I'm supposed to have to do this or that.. here I'll give a simple example..
Right now, it's almost 11 p.m. Yes you haven't said anything right now because you know that I'll frickin flip out, but in the past your like asking me to let you sleep. Yet it's funny because before when I was trying to sleep or not .. you didn't give a damn!
I know right now tho, I can't forgive something that you have never truly been sorry for. You were able to sweep it all under the rug like it never happened. Ya maybe you dealt with some of my sh*t throughout the time, but nothing like you should have.
If you compare all that you done to me and what I have to you.. I got the sh*t end of the stick. I'm the one that got kicked out of the house. I had bruises on me a lot earlier then you ever got socked in the face and oh lets recall me going to jail because you shoved me across the floor and in my eyes I stood my ground and up for myself saying you can't treat me that way. But you go and play 'victim' game with everyone. And then I'm supposed to feel sorry and upset or badly for you?? Hello!!!!! How about all the crap you have put me thru???
It's always been about you, it really has. And then you wonder why I dispise your mother so much. Just like always, when we argue/fight you want to hug or whatever .. even if it's not even thru the discussion you want to pretend that everything is hunky dory and when I refuse to do so you get pissed. Well I'm tired of always having to hold your hand while you place another bullsh*t line to me about how your going to change or do differently. And frankly I'm tired of hugging like everything is okay when it's not. But hey since you want to it's supposed to be that way. Well not anymore.. at least for me. I'm standing my grounds that I'm not just going to hug you because you want to feel better in the moment, cause that hug doesn't do anything for me except make me kind of hate you just that much more. That you are making it completely about your feelings alone and not considering anyone else.
Really not even sure why I'm wasting my time here either. Cuz god knows your won't put your effort into any of this.. history repeats itself! Not sure why I keep thinking it'll change.
Still haven't figured out the answer to that question yet. Maybe because I so desperately want to answer that question in a way that I'm not so sure is what I want to face. I want to keep my blinders on and pretend that it's something that perhaps it's not.
For 9 yrs I've asked .. I've requested.. I've threaten .. I've cried and begged
Do you get that?? Do you really understand that?!
Yet you get to go up on your hindhorse and act like you are well some kind of dream. That here what you've done is like water under the bridge. I just need to move on with it forget about it? I'm sure you'd be saying no that's not what I'm saying at all. Well it's what you do tho. You sit there and say I can't change it .. blah blah. God I wish I could change things. And not even necessarily saying change marrying you but the way I treated you..
It's like I gave you the frickin red carpet.. you didn't deserve that! You completely showed your colors on why you didn't deserve that. Yet I'm supposed to have to do this or that.. here I'll give a simple example..
Right now, it's almost 11 p.m. Yes you haven't said anything right now because you know that I'll frickin flip out, but in the past your like asking me to let you sleep. Yet it's funny because before when I was trying to sleep or not .. you didn't give a damn!
I know right now tho, I can't forgive something that you have never truly been sorry for. You were able to sweep it all under the rug like it never happened. Ya maybe you dealt with some of my sh*t throughout the time, but nothing like you should have.
If you compare all that you done to me and what I have to you.. I got the sh*t end of the stick. I'm the one that got kicked out of the house. I had bruises on me a lot earlier then you ever got socked in the face and oh lets recall me going to jail because you shoved me across the floor and in my eyes I stood my ground and up for myself saying you can't treat me that way. But you go and play 'victim' game with everyone. And then I'm supposed to feel sorry and upset or badly for you?? Hello!!!!! How about all the crap you have put me thru???
It's always been about you, it really has. And then you wonder why I dispise your mother so much. Just like always, when we argue/fight you want to hug or whatever .. even if it's not even thru the discussion you want to pretend that everything is hunky dory and when I refuse to do so you get pissed. Well I'm tired of always having to hold your hand while you place another bullsh*t line to me about how your going to change or do differently. And frankly I'm tired of hugging like everything is okay when it's not. But hey since you want to it's supposed to be that way. Well not anymore.. at least for me. I'm standing my grounds that I'm not just going to hug you because you want to feel better in the moment, cause that hug doesn't do anything for me except make me kind of hate you just that much more. That you are making it completely about your feelings alone and not considering anyone else.
Really not even sure why I'm wasting my time here either. Cuz god knows your won't put your effort into any of this.. history repeats itself! Not sure why I keep thinking it'll change.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Believing
I want to believe you. I want to trust you. But I'm also trying to protect myself.
Every other time that I let you thru you took that opening to just throw it all in my face and show me that I shouldn't of let you in. And when it really comes down to it .. it's my fault.
Granted we haven't argued or anything for awhile now. I think close to 3 months, when considering it was about every 2 weeks.. 3 months is like a life time hah. I just don't know if I trust that you say it's not going to happen .. that it's over and we are actually going to move forward together.
Then there comes the factor of what I do to myself and what is going on with me. I've chosen my path but I am upset with all that have been apart of it to like aid me into my thoughts and actions. I shouldn't blame anyone because I could have chosen to do something else, it was just easier to do what I have done.
Now, something is wrong because of it. And I do feel alone and scared and really humiliated. I feel really disgusting! Sometimes I wonder how things would have gone if 9 yrs ago .. well if you would have just treated me as the person that I thought I was. Really the person I am.
And lets get it straight just because. I am a opinionated, stubborn, .. I believe I am strong but who knows. But I am also a kind person that genuinely feels for others. I'm not sure why I can see someone who I don't know and feel bad or upset for them. Or that I can see someone smile and it makes me feel good that they are happy in that moment. I wear my emotions on my sleeves. I am also tho on the other hand always cautious of what others are thinking and saying.
I've always tried to not be too selfish. And then this year I decided I was going to take for once .. Not just only to get thru Ed but to show you what you've done to me and how selfish you had been. All that it seemed to get me was into trouble. Then now I'm having to deal with this health issue which I don't know what it is and I absolutely hate it!
I thought this morning that I need to write the boys a letter each just in case. Which I will probably do. I need them to know things. Not between you and I, but just me and how I feel in case I can't say it. Cause right now there's no way that I could say it, they wouldn't understand. I just don't know if it would be good for them or not. I'm worried and in my own mind.
Like I say I guess time will only tell.
Every other time that I let you thru you took that opening to just throw it all in my face and show me that I shouldn't of let you in. And when it really comes down to it .. it's my fault.
Granted we haven't argued or anything for awhile now. I think close to 3 months, when considering it was about every 2 weeks.. 3 months is like a life time hah. I just don't know if I trust that you say it's not going to happen .. that it's over and we are actually going to move forward together.
Then there comes the factor of what I do to myself and what is going on with me. I've chosen my path but I am upset with all that have been apart of it to like aid me into my thoughts and actions. I shouldn't blame anyone because I could have chosen to do something else, it was just easier to do what I have done.
Now, something is wrong because of it. And I do feel alone and scared and really humiliated. I feel really disgusting! Sometimes I wonder how things would have gone if 9 yrs ago .. well if you would have just treated me as the person that I thought I was. Really the person I am.
And lets get it straight just because. I am a opinionated, stubborn, .. I believe I am strong but who knows. But I am also a kind person that genuinely feels for others. I'm not sure why I can see someone who I don't know and feel bad or upset for them. Or that I can see someone smile and it makes me feel good that they are happy in that moment. I wear my emotions on my sleeves. I am also tho on the other hand always cautious of what others are thinking and saying.
I've always tried to not be too selfish. And then this year I decided I was going to take for once .. Not just only to get thru Ed but to show you what you've done to me and how selfish you had been. All that it seemed to get me was into trouble. Then now I'm having to deal with this health issue which I don't know what it is and I absolutely hate it!
I thought this morning that I need to write the boys a letter each just in case. Which I will probably do. I need them to know things. Not between you and I, but just me and how I feel in case I can't say it. Cause right now there's no way that I could say it, they wouldn't understand. I just don't know if it would be good for them or not. I'm worried and in my own mind.
Like I say I guess time will only tell.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Coming Home
I know you know everything that happened while I was up with my family. Not my best time. Should have figured considering how I felt the year before that. I'm starting to think that just having the distance is actually better. Maybe.
Here's the thing tho. I did want you to be there because of them coming at me all at once. You wouldn't of been in the room but you would have been there after which I would have appreciated to have someone on my side about this subject. Just wished they'd be a bit more supportive and understanding then acting like they know it all and know exactly what I should do.
But coming home yesterday and you were so excited to see me. I'm not sure what to think of that. It was nice to see the boys so happy to see you .. that was cute. Just I feel like I'm pretty sure you were just fine with me gone and you were putting on this persona that you missed me. That you actually missed me.
I know you say that your going to get my trust back and your going to show me, but you've said that before. Not sure anymore. How many chances are too many chances ?? It just would have been nice to believe that you missed me.
Here's the thing tho. I did want you to be there because of them coming at me all at once. You wouldn't of been in the room but you would have been there after which I would have appreciated to have someone on my side about this subject. Just wished they'd be a bit more supportive and understanding then acting like they know it all and know exactly what I should do.
But coming home yesterday and you were so excited to see me. I'm not sure what to think of that. It was nice to see the boys so happy to see you .. that was cute. Just I feel like I'm pretty sure you were just fine with me gone and you were putting on this persona that you missed me. That you actually missed me.
I know you say that your going to get my trust back and your going to show me, but you've said that before. Not sure anymore. How many chances are too many chances ?? It just would have been nice to believe that you missed me.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Trust
I'm not quite sure if you know how long it is going to take to truly gain my trust back. Even though you seem to think you 'know me'. I'm not sure you do.
This year has been very hard for me. I'm not saying I'm innocent at times, but there were a lot of times that I really wasn't doing anything and you would just poke at me. It was like why do you have to keep doing this. You did back me up into a corner and I felt like I had to fight my way out. Only problem was I was the one that got the blame for it.
It's a bit .. well curious that my family really didn't blame me. Specially my mother. She would have always said I should have done this or that, but nothing. I get that families stick together and support each other and what not but my mom has not done that so much for me. And you know that. Annnnndddd.. You lucked out with my brother when he was here cause he would have pretty much killed ya.
I'm proud of my family. I love my family. We can fight or argue and still be close right after. My mom it's been a work in progress. But we were brought up right. And I do regret moving here because of that. That your family isn't a family and I've tried my best to get things more together but no one is willing to put in the effort and when you only have one person doing it it's pretty difficult.
I don't know what your thoughts on trust. And how fast you then trust someone. Me I will constantly look for those red flags that give me a heads up. It is humorous to me that when you lied I was able to call you out on it, even when you kept trying to deny it. I'm not an idiot. And really .. I'm a much better liar :) Maybe not so much anymore because I don't want to be that person and I think it's respectable to tell the truth. I believe lying to someone is being a coward and I don't want to be a hypocrite but I can completely call someone out on their lies .. you can see it. It's not that hard.
That's probably why I'll have such a hard time trusting you again. I look at you and I don't believe it. I believe it's just another lie.
This year has been very hard for me. I'm not saying I'm innocent at times, but there were a lot of times that I really wasn't doing anything and you would just poke at me. It was like why do you have to keep doing this. You did back me up into a corner and I felt like I had to fight my way out. Only problem was I was the one that got the blame for it.
It's a bit .. well curious that my family really didn't blame me. Specially my mother. She would have always said I should have done this or that, but nothing. I get that families stick together and support each other and what not but my mom has not done that so much for me. And you know that. Annnnndddd.. You lucked out with my brother when he was here cause he would have pretty much killed ya.
I'm proud of my family. I love my family. We can fight or argue and still be close right after. My mom it's been a work in progress. But we were brought up right. And I do regret moving here because of that. That your family isn't a family and I've tried my best to get things more together but no one is willing to put in the effort and when you only have one person doing it it's pretty difficult.
I don't know what your thoughts on trust. And how fast you then trust someone. Me I will constantly look for those red flags that give me a heads up. It is humorous to me that when you lied I was able to call you out on it, even when you kept trying to deny it. I'm not an idiot. And really .. I'm a much better liar :) Maybe not so much anymore because I don't want to be that person and I think it's respectable to tell the truth. I believe lying to someone is being a coward and I don't want to be a hypocrite but I can completely call someone out on their lies .. you can see it. It's not that hard.
That's probably why I'll have such a hard time trusting you again. I look at you and I don't believe it. I believe it's just another lie.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Shrug
I hate giving you my trust again. I don't even think you realize that. You think you have it and that it's no big deal, well it is to me. If I get hurt again.. which I mean I get I will get hurt but hoping I don't get hurt the way I had in the past. It's just if I do get hurt like that I just really don't know what it'll do to me.
That's what I can't get over right now. I gave you all of me .. my honesty my openest my family .. and you just looked at it all and crumpled it up and threw it like it was garbage. And yet then you would ask for another chance. Obviously I've always given it as well.
The problem is, I am the one getting like ALL the blame for it. You got a pass and here I am getting everything put on me. It's all my fault. I do know my family doesn't believe that. I only wished I was wish my family at this moment. That we lived back home. My family might have arguments and we might have the whole Telephone game going on, it's just the difference of We are ALWAYS there for one another. I don't trust your family at all. They seem to support the idea of out for yourself type of idea. And that's just not what I am about.
And I do miss feeling like you love me. It's almost become this type of roommate situation .. cept we for the most part sleep in the same bed. Other then that.. ??
I do care about you a lot. I believe that obvious in what I have done. (not the punch or the throwing of the phone), but just that I've stood by your side. I have fought for you. Just wished you would do the same for me, and your really not. Your just sitting by and letting it continue to take place. As soon as Casey said shit about you I freaked out, because as far as I'm concerned no one is going to talk about or to you like that. Well only me hah! But I really just wished you would do the same for me, specially when it's coming to your mom or your sister saying things. Instead I'm sitting there wondering what to do. Only because it's family, it's your family and how do I say something that wouldn't affect you and then it would cause problems between us. Haha.. that's funny cause I guess I should have just said something considering it is also causing problems between us now.
Anyways, my point is that I don't know how to feel like you have my back. Or that your not that like strong building that is going to stand strong for me. Make sure that I'm protected as well as your children. All I know is right now I have to be that.
That's what I can't get over right now. I gave you all of me .. my honesty my openest my family .. and you just looked at it all and crumpled it up and threw it like it was garbage. And yet then you would ask for another chance. Obviously I've always given it as well.
The problem is, I am the one getting like ALL the blame for it. You got a pass and here I am getting everything put on me. It's all my fault. I do know my family doesn't believe that. I only wished I was wish my family at this moment. That we lived back home. My family might have arguments and we might have the whole Telephone game going on, it's just the difference of We are ALWAYS there for one another. I don't trust your family at all. They seem to support the idea of out for yourself type of idea. And that's just not what I am about.
And I do miss feeling like you love me. It's almost become this type of roommate situation .. cept we for the most part sleep in the same bed. Other then that.. ??
I do care about you a lot. I believe that obvious in what I have done. (not the punch or the throwing of the phone), but just that I've stood by your side. I have fought for you. Just wished you would do the same for me, and your really not. Your just sitting by and letting it continue to take place. As soon as Casey said shit about you I freaked out, because as far as I'm concerned no one is going to talk about or to you like that. Well only me hah! But I really just wished you would do the same for me, specially when it's coming to your mom or your sister saying things. Instead I'm sitting there wondering what to do. Only because it's family, it's your family and how do I say something that wouldn't affect you and then it would cause problems between us. Haha.. that's funny cause I guess I should have just said something considering it is also causing problems between us now.
Anyways, my point is that I don't know how to feel like you have my back. Or that your not that like strong building that is going to stand strong for me. Make sure that I'm protected as well as your children. All I know is right now I have to be that.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Vaca
So am I excited for vaca I'm super excited! I am ready to lay back and relax and not have anything going on.
You keep promising that things are different and only time will tell ... it hasn't told much as of now. I don't trust you. I wished I did but you took too much from me for me to exactly believe.. I want to but I'm holding myself back .. I am not sure why I have given you so many passes yet I have.. I did what I did. I have to hold to that. And I will take it.
I hope that this weekend goes well, that we will go well, I hope so. I shake my head back and forth on if it actually will happen.. I guess.. time will tell. Just how much time do I give is the question. ?!
You keep promising that things are different and only time will tell ... it hasn't told much as of now. I don't trust you. I wished I did but you took too much from me for me to exactly believe.. I want to but I'm holding myself back .. I am not sure why I have given you so many passes yet I have.. I did what I did. I have to hold to that. And I will take it.
I hope that this weekend goes well, that we will go well, I hope so. I shake my head back and forth on if it actually will happen.. I guess.. time will tell. Just how much time do I give is the question. ?!
Monday, July 16, 2012
Who Knows
The one thing I know, is if this time you f*ck up .. I am really thinking I need to walk away.
Mainly because you are building me up right now and making it seem like you do care and that you understand how close it is to me being gone. That you don't want that so you are trying to keep this family together. If you fail at that, well I don't know why I should stay.
I don't want to be my mother, being angry and hurtful to others, everyone actually for that fact. I don't want to be my dad living in an environment where he just isn't happy either. They are both just sad and upset. I would like to believe it's because they didn't communicate, but who knows .. really.
All I know in our relationship is I haven't been the best. I do remember being happy. I remember believing what you told me. And then because of my Ed I blamed myself for everything that ending up turning up. All the lies were some how in some way my fault. Then this past year with what's gone on, the fact that I was you know where and you tell me it was my fault and I deserved it. I don't think I'll ever forgive you for that. Well no, I will forgive, but I will never forget that feeling. How you hurt me.
Song I'm listening to there's this one part that goes, Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over, why'd I've believe in it was always something I've done.
I just question your authenticity on how you actually think of me. If you really are willing to work for us. If you truly love me. If you actually want to live to the end of days with me. If you care that tomorrow I could be dead. And my whole thought process now is that I have to give it a bit of time, but not a whole lot of time. You have your chance I guess is what I'm saying. I'm not dumb either and think that we wouldn't have another argument or whatever, but it needs to be done the way that I was having to address it.
And I do say me yes, but only because you wouldn't listen and would blow everything off. All that mattered was you! I don't even know how you could sit here and watch what I'm doing to myself and be okay with it.. not necessarily okay but okay in the matter that you just sat there and knew how ppl where hurting me. Some of them your family and just saying oh well. Oh well wasn't good enough for me. I moved because you said this and that getting it from your family! Then I get treated that way??? Come on now!
Well, done for now, hope we figure things out.
Mainly because you are building me up right now and making it seem like you do care and that you understand how close it is to me being gone. That you don't want that so you are trying to keep this family together. If you fail at that, well I don't know why I should stay.
I don't want to be my mother, being angry and hurtful to others, everyone actually for that fact. I don't want to be my dad living in an environment where he just isn't happy either. They are both just sad and upset. I would like to believe it's because they didn't communicate, but who knows .. really.
All I know in our relationship is I haven't been the best. I do remember being happy. I remember believing what you told me. And then because of my Ed I blamed myself for everything that ending up turning up. All the lies were some how in some way my fault. Then this past year with what's gone on, the fact that I was you know where and you tell me it was my fault and I deserved it. I don't think I'll ever forgive you for that. Well no, I will forgive, but I will never forget that feeling. How you hurt me.
Song I'm listening to there's this one part that goes, Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over, why'd I've believe in it was always something I've done.
I just question your authenticity on how you actually think of me. If you really are willing to work for us. If you truly love me. If you actually want to live to the end of days with me. If you care that tomorrow I could be dead. And my whole thought process now is that I have to give it a bit of time, but not a whole lot of time. You have your chance I guess is what I'm saying. I'm not dumb either and think that we wouldn't have another argument or whatever, but it needs to be done the way that I was having to address it.
And I do say me yes, but only because you wouldn't listen and would blow everything off. All that mattered was you! I don't even know how you could sit here and watch what I'm doing to myself and be okay with it.. not necessarily okay but okay in the matter that you just sat there and knew how ppl where hurting me. Some of them your family and just saying oh well. Oh well wasn't good enough for me. I moved because you said this and that getting it from your family! Then I get treated that way??? Come on now!
Well, done for now, hope we figure things out.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Fingers Crossed
I'm really hoping that things are changing. I'm begging and praying that things are changing. I'm hesitant when you say it. I want to believe you, but believing in you in the past just slapped me in the face. And I really don't need that again. I really don't!
I repeat myself a lot. I'll admit it. But I also don't think you understand why. It's like the first time you don't listen, the second time it might be a word or two getting thru .. I keep saying it so you can feel what you did. How it impacted me. And then I wonder if you actually care.
Just wished 9 years ago you would of fought. But I guess it's never TOO late ?!? I hope it's never too late anyways. But what I hope for and what happens, well it seems to never happen. I keep praying that it will, only time will tell.
I guess, I just don't think you know what you could be losing at times. That I am some how, which way or another never going to walk away. And I might not walk, I just might be gone. Then what? Where does that leave you?? Have you even thought about that? Oh well.
I really truly hope that you are going to be the man that I thought I was marrying.
I repeat myself a lot. I'll admit it. But I also don't think you understand why. It's like the first time you don't listen, the second time it might be a word or two getting thru .. I keep saying it so you can feel what you did. How it impacted me. And then I wonder if you actually care.
Just wished 9 years ago you would of fought. But I guess it's never TOO late ?!? I hope it's never too late anyways. But what I hope for and what happens, well it seems to never happen. I keep praying that it will, only time will tell.
I guess, I just don't think you know what you could be losing at times. That I am some how, which way or another never going to walk away. And I might not walk, I just might be gone. Then what? Where does that leave you?? Have you even thought about that? Oh well.
I really truly hope that you are going to be the man that I thought I was marrying.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
I was upset
I was pissed tonight.. .. well my pissed is more of a hurt but it's still pissed.
I looked back on things and I didn't like it.
Then.. well the possibility that something happened to you. That destroyed me! I hate you at times.. a lot of times .. mainly because I don't think you understand how much I love you .. how much I have thought about you, how I have thought of our lives together. I just don't think you get that.
But the fact that your boss called tonight to find out if you got home, that scared me. Scared me more then I think you would know. I was waiting for the words.. the ones you never want to hear.
I didn't know what to say. I was opposite speak less.. which we know I I'm not:) I wanted to cry. I was scared shitless. I felt like I would have to make decisions that I would never would make in my life.. well that I would rather not to make in my life.
You don't get it sometimes..
Most times you don't. I don't understand why you don't. I just don't get it...
Right now, I am tired and am worried. Until I hear you come thru that door I feel helpless. And I wished you would have felt that way about me for the last 9 years. .. even more then that.. but just wished that you'd give me that respect as well. That I was that much important to you. That you cared that much about me as well.
I looked back on things and I didn't like it.
Then.. well the possibility that something happened to you. That destroyed me! I hate you at times.. a lot of times .. mainly because I don't think you understand how much I love you .. how much I have thought about you, how I have thought of our lives together. I just don't think you get that.
But the fact that your boss called tonight to find out if you got home, that scared me. Scared me more then I think you would know. I was waiting for the words.. the ones you never want to hear.
I didn't know what to say. I was opposite speak less.. which we know I I'm not:) I wanted to cry. I was scared shitless. I felt like I would have to make decisions that I would never would make in my life.. well that I would rather not to make in my life.
You don't get it sometimes..
Most times you don't. I don't understand why you don't. I just don't get it...
Right now, I am tired and am worried. Until I hear you come thru that door I feel helpless. And I wished you would have felt that way about me for the last 9 years. .. even more then that.. but just wished that you'd give me that respect as well. That I was that much important to you. That you cared that much about me as well.
Monday, July 9, 2012
The "new" person
Or I guess I should say what you say is that your trying to change..
I'm hesitant on this. And actually hesitant is a light word to use. You've promised me before. I've been told sorry way too many times. I've been told it's Me that's the problem. And I hold to what I have done.
God I didn't have to tell you about Derrick. And we didn't even do anything. I felt guilty because I flirted with him and actually liked that someone was giving me attention .. it felt good to have someone to actually like me. Then I went and told you when I didn't have to. I could have gone on doing whatever without being honest but instead all it did was get me into a whole lot of mess that is still getting brought up. Yes not by you, but by your family because you had to go running to your mommy. Well, how about you go running to her about all the shit you have done to me that .. well I have still brought up (mainly because you keep it up), but I mean you never cared about me. It's always been you, and you play like you are innocent and this perfect lovely husband. That you do all this stuff for me, well you do do stuff .. just not what should be being done.
And it's embarrassing that Matt is willing to do something about it.
Just wished you would get it! Wished you would look in my eyes and see .. the light is going out. And I don't know how to get myself back to the person I was. I look at pictures and it just makes me upset because I want to go back to that person, but going back to that person means so much change. I guess maybe that's the change that might need to be.
It'll be hard, it'll be a fight I know. Not just with you, but with the kids. The explanations, to them which I'll try to be as upfront as possible in what they would need to hear, but then to family, to friends, to ppl I don't really even know. Cause we both know I would go to Philip and the talk there is not quite and I wouldn't be at this point ready to handle that without flipping out. So I feel absolutely stuck and sad.
I pray and I hope it changes. Otherwise I honestly, well.. one way or another I'll be gone.
I'm hesitant on this. And actually hesitant is a light word to use. You've promised me before. I've been told sorry way too many times. I've been told it's Me that's the problem. And I hold to what I have done.
God I didn't have to tell you about Derrick. And we didn't even do anything. I felt guilty because I flirted with him and actually liked that someone was giving me attention .. it felt good to have someone to actually like me. Then I went and told you when I didn't have to. I could have gone on doing whatever without being honest but instead all it did was get me into a whole lot of mess that is still getting brought up. Yes not by you, but by your family because you had to go running to your mommy. Well, how about you go running to her about all the shit you have done to me that .. well I have still brought up (mainly because you keep it up), but I mean you never cared about me. It's always been you, and you play like you are innocent and this perfect lovely husband. That you do all this stuff for me, well you do do stuff .. just not what should be being done.
And it's embarrassing that Matt is willing to do something about it.
Just wished you would get it! Wished you would look in my eyes and see .. the light is going out. And I don't know how to get myself back to the person I was. I look at pictures and it just makes me upset because I want to go back to that person, but going back to that person means so much change. I guess maybe that's the change that might need to be.
It'll be hard, it'll be a fight I know. Not just with you, but with the kids. The explanations, to them which I'll try to be as upfront as possible in what they would need to hear, but then to family, to friends, to ppl I don't really even know. Cause we both know I would go to Philip and the talk there is not quite and I wouldn't be at this point ready to handle that without flipping out. So I feel absolutely stuck and sad.
I pray and I hope it changes. Otherwise I honestly, well.. one way or another I'll be gone.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Why am I not surprised?! You are a fucker are you not!!! Def. not a question but a statement!
It's becoming useless. There is no way of getting thru to you.. Your a fucking ahole!
how is it that you ask if I'm actually going to sleep in the bed that OH I BOUGHT! NOT YOU! .. considering most of the shit we have is because of me. And then to find out that you lock me out of the room..
Well I'll be sleeping again on the couch. I shouldn't ever be surprised by you anymore. Your just plain an ass!
It's becoming useless. There is no way of getting thru to you.. Your a fucking ahole!
how is it that you ask if I'm actually going to sleep in the bed that OH I BOUGHT! NOT YOU! .. considering most of the shit we have is because of me. And then to find out that you lock me out of the room..
Well I'll be sleeping again on the couch. I shouldn't ever be surprised by you anymore. Your just plain an ass!
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Am I the Idiot?
I like that the title of this is a way we thought we could reconnect.. who's the fool? ME!
Guess it was just me that cared about having our marriage work. To accept that I do things wrong as well. Instead all it's showing me is how I'm stupid to think and believe that you actually would want to spend the rest of your life with me.
I get to say that because if it was as important as it should be you would see how close it is to ending. And I'm pissed at you for that.
I'm pissed because not only did I waste 9 yrs of my life with you, 9 years that I could never get back. 9 years that perhaps the guy that was supposed to be in my life walked right on by and I'll never see them again. That in those 9 years you have gotten me to scream and yell and cry over you and the way you treat me. That for 9 years I've begged you to see me for the inside that I am. That I can and will be a bitch, but I have so much to offer. So much that you have taken for granted. So much that you haven't appreciated. That in those 9 years I gave you 2 beautiful boys. And you have always and continue to just be selfish.
And now, now what happens? If I do walk away, it's going to be a huge fight. You'll throw every nasty thing in my face. You'll fight to have the kids, eventho you know that I'm the better person for them to be around, you still will try to take them. You might get them to. Mainly because over the years I've slowly deteriorated, and eventho you've helped put me in that way, you wouldn't dare take any credit for it.
The person I was when we met, I was happy with Brayden and I. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't of signed up for it. Even being alone and just having a toddler and having heartache with the guys that I did try to have a relationship, I still was much stronger. I was happy. I was calm. I felt appreciated.
That's where the idiot part comes in. I am the idiot. I allowed you to treat me the way you did. I am the idiot that kept saying you would open your eyes and see what was in front of you. I allowed you to lie to me, to promise me one thing or another, to give you the pass here and there because you were like I didn't know. I am the idiot!
It's taken me 9 yrs to slowly open my eyes. But I am opening them. That's what you don't see. I guess you will when I'm gone.
Guess it was just me that cared about having our marriage work. To accept that I do things wrong as well. Instead all it's showing me is how I'm stupid to think and believe that you actually would want to spend the rest of your life with me.
I get to say that because if it was as important as it should be you would see how close it is to ending. And I'm pissed at you for that.
I'm pissed because not only did I waste 9 yrs of my life with you, 9 years that I could never get back. 9 years that perhaps the guy that was supposed to be in my life walked right on by and I'll never see them again. That in those 9 years you have gotten me to scream and yell and cry over you and the way you treat me. That for 9 years I've begged you to see me for the inside that I am. That I can and will be a bitch, but I have so much to offer. So much that you have taken for granted. So much that you haven't appreciated. That in those 9 years I gave you 2 beautiful boys. And you have always and continue to just be selfish.
And now, now what happens? If I do walk away, it's going to be a huge fight. You'll throw every nasty thing in my face. You'll fight to have the kids, eventho you know that I'm the better person for them to be around, you still will try to take them. You might get them to. Mainly because over the years I've slowly deteriorated, and eventho you've helped put me in that way, you wouldn't dare take any credit for it.
The person I was when we met, I was happy with Brayden and I. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't of signed up for it. Even being alone and just having a toddler and having heartache with the guys that I did try to have a relationship, I still was much stronger. I was happy. I was calm. I felt appreciated.
That's where the idiot part comes in. I am the idiot. I allowed you to treat me the way you did. I am the idiot that kept saying you would open your eyes and see what was in front of you. I allowed you to lie to me, to promise me one thing or another, to give you the pass here and there because you were like I didn't know. I am the idiot!
It's taken me 9 yrs to slowly open my eyes. But I am opening them. That's what you don't see. I guess you will when I'm gone.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Decisions
Not sure what to do..
After last night I'm now leaning closer to that we have to separate.That we will get a divorce. And to you it doesn't seem to matter.
You just keep doing what you always do and you don't even care about changing or figuring things out in our relationship. It's been years and you just do what you want to do. You don't care. You say you do .. but hey walk the walk .. don't talk the talk.
I just find you to be full of so much bullshit that it's ridiculous! You sit there and say you doing this or that.. what to do and yet you don't do either. Your constantly saying that your going to change, that your going to do something and yet you never do. I don't even know why I even give you an ounce of my thoughts to think that you actually will hold to your word for once. You never do.
The hardest problem that I have of walking away from our marriage is a few things.
1. I made a promise before God.
2. I spent 9 yrs of my life with you. Is it to be a waste? Because walking away is meaning that 9 yrs I wasted my life away when I could have been doing something else. 9 fricking ass yrs. 9. That's a lot in my eyes anyways.
3. My kids. I don't know how I could explain anything to them. Plus too considering I know exactly how you would play it out. I know how you would be and you would be so selfish that you would never put them before your feelings. Instead you would if anything make them suffer and be in the middle.
That's probably why I stay. I don't need them to be in the middle like you continue to put them. I've never done what you have done. Because you are a selfish self-involved person. You are your parents child. Both of them were selfish and you are the product of it. You sit there and try to put yourself up on this pedestal that your not like them.. well I don't know what they were like then.. but your pretty fucking bad. And to even compare me with my eating disorder or drinking is ridiculous! Im always thinking of my kids. I might not do the right thing all the time, but how many times did you run them to the hospital??? Huh??? None.. ya it was always me.. so you could sleep. Your baby was dying and I was by myself at the ER with him.. nice ..
4. I'm scared. I don't know how I could support and raise the kids. Along with the fight that I would have to handle. (with you that is) How to explain it to Brayd that I fucked up again.. and again he doesn't have a dad. He'll hate me.
5. I'm 31. I feel like I'm done. I will be alone for the rest of my life. And I do fear that. I don't want to be alone. It makes me sad.. but it at the same time seems like I won't have the choice. I either live killing myself or I leave this if you don't want to change.
I don't know .. I need to really think things thru. And I'm going to. I just fear the outcome I come to.
After last night I'm now leaning closer to that we have to separate.That we will get a divorce. And to you it doesn't seem to matter.
You just keep doing what you always do and you don't even care about changing or figuring things out in our relationship. It's been years and you just do what you want to do. You don't care. You say you do .. but hey walk the walk .. don't talk the talk.
I just find you to be full of so much bullshit that it's ridiculous! You sit there and say you doing this or that.. what to do and yet you don't do either. Your constantly saying that your going to change, that your going to do something and yet you never do. I don't even know why I even give you an ounce of my thoughts to think that you actually will hold to your word for once. You never do.
The hardest problem that I have of walking away from our marriage is a few things.
1. I made a promise before God.
2. I spent 9 yrs of my life with you. Is it to be a waste? Because walking away is meaning that 9 yrs I wasted my life away when I could have been doing something else. 9 fricking ass yrs. 9. That's a lot in my eyes anyways.
3. My kids. I don't know how I could explain anything to them. Plus too considering I know exactly how you would play it out. I know how you would be and you would be so selfish that you would never put them before your feelings. Instead you would if anything make them suffer and be in the middle.
That's probably why I stay. I don't need them to be in the middle like you continue to put them. I've never done what you have done. Because you are a selfish self-involved person. You are your parents child. Both of them were selfish and you are the product of it. You sit there and try to put yourself up on this pedestal that your not like them.. well I don't know what they were like then.. but your pretty fucking bad. And to even compare me with my eating disorder or drinking is ridiculous! Im always thinking of my kids. I might not do the right thing all the time, but how many times did you run them to the hospital??? Huh??? None.. ya it was always me.. so you could sleep. Your baby was dying and I was by myself at the ER with him.. nice ..
4. I'm scared. I don't know how I could support and raise the kids. Along with the fight that I would have to handle. (with you that is) How to explain it to Brayd that I fucked up again.. and again he doesn't have a dad. He'll hate me.
5. I'm 31. I feel like I'm done. I will be alone for the rest of my life. And I do fear that. I don't want to be alone. It makes me sad.. but it at the same time seems like I won't have the choice. I either live killing myself or I leave this if you don't want to change.
I don't know .. I need to really think things thru. And I'm going to. I just fear the outcome I come to.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
OMGosh!!
You wonder why I get upset?? You really have to wonder that? You can't look back and see?
So today, well first let me back it up to last night when your snoring and kicking me, and I was actually feeling well that I thought I could sleep. I would just about fall asleep and you'd do something.
Then this morning, first you wake up late for work, that was the reason why you called in, not because you didn't have anything to do for work. And I can guarantee that you completely forgot that you were to print off tickets for Brayds flight .. that's a given! Let's keep going. The one thing I hate in the mornings, is screaming and yelling, but no, not you .. you could careless and figure let's see how long I can get the kids to scream.. Sounds FUN!! NOT!
I get ready because I have errands to run and you then ask why I'm getting ready, then to ask where I was going. Umm.. hello you were sitting right there last night while I was having the discussion with the kids on what to eat for dinner and said I would have to go to the store then.
Best part is .. you have to go with. First, I'll start with you continued to pick on the kids, in which I'm not messing around. I want to get my shit done and back. I have other things to do as well. Second, every time we go all together to the store, my kids do not act the same as they do when you are with.
(just like I complained all those times about how they behaved in church differently with me alone then with you there as well. I always got compliments on how well behaved they were compared to how many compliments I got when you were along).
Anyways, then we get home and they ask for PB&J. What do you do?? Open up a bag of chips and start eating. You get the bread down which, then we needed to pull out another loaf, so I do that. Put it up on the stove. And you are just busy shoving your mouth full of chips. Nice!
So when I get pissed and decide that I'll just make the other two sandwiches, you said that I just pushed you out of the way. A.. no I didn't. You said I grabbed the bread right off the counter in front of you. I said it was on the damn stove, and you ya whatever. It's like don't go there you fucking idiot! That's just making you look more and more stupid.
Your like your on edge. Umm.. no shit. Because of your damn ass taking a day off for no damn good reason other then to be in my way and drive me frickin crazy!
My routines in the days when your at work, they work really well. And I've gotten to the point where I don't even care if you sleep in anymore, because you just ruin my routines. I don't know why I ever thought that you could help with the kids in the mornings because now I'm finding myself to be delusional.
Why can't you just grow the f*** up and finally start acting like a 35 yr old man and not a 8 yr old boy (maybe even younger). It's ridiculous!!!
So today, well first let me back it up to last night when your snoring and kicking me, and I was actually feeling well that I thought I could sleep. I would just about fall asleep and you'd do something.
Then this morning, first you wake up late for work, that was the reason why you called in, not because you didn't have anything to do for work. And I can guarantee that you completely forgot that you were to print off tickets for Brayds flight .. that's a given! Let's keep going. The one thing I hate in the mornings, is screaming and yelling, but no, not you .. you could careless and figure let's see how long I can get the kids to scream.. Sounds FUN!! NOT!
I get ready because I have errands to run and you then ask why I'm getting ready, then to ask where I was going. Umm.. hello you were sitting right there last night while I was having the discussion with the kids on what to eat for dinner and said I would have to go to the store then.
Best part is .. you have to go with. First, I'll start with you continued to pick on the kids, in which I'm not messing around. I want to get my shit done and back. I have other things to do as well. Second, every time we go all together to the store, my kids do not act the same as they do when you are with.
(just like I complained all those times about how they behaved in church differently with me alone then with you there as well. I always got compliments on how well behaved they were compared to how many compliments I got when you were along).
Anyways, then we get home and they ask for PB&J. What do you do?? Open up a bag of chips and start eating. You get the bread down which, then we needed to pull out another loaf, so I do that. Put it up on the stove. And you are just busy shoving your mouth full of chips. Nice!
So when I get pissed and decide that I'll just make the other two sandwiches, you said that I just pushed you out of the way. A.. no I didn't. You said I grabbed the bread right off the counter in front of you. I said it was on the damn stove, and you ya whatever. It's like don't go there you fucking idiot! That's just making you look more and more stupid.
Your like your on edge. Umm.. no shit. Because of your damn ass taking a day off for no damn good reason other then to be in my way and drive me frickin crazy!
My routines in the days when your at work, they work really well. And I've gotten to the point where I don't even care if you sleep in anymore, because you just ruin my routines. I don't know why I ever thought that you could help with the kids in the mornings because now I'm finding myself to be delusional.
Why can't you just grow the f*** up and finally start acting like a 35 yr old man and not a 8 yr old boy (maybe even younger). It's ridiculous!!!
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Different Day Same Ol Thing
I'm not sure what to do ..
One part of me thinks that we belong together because we pretty much understand each other. But the other part of me thinks that we are making each other worse people .. like we're fueling each other into destruction.
Like it makes me mad because I watch things or see other people together and I wonder why you don't treat me like that. I'm becoming so angry at you. I'm angry well hurt for all that you did, but now I'm becoming mad because your still being the person that you were/are. It doesn't feel like it's enough. And am I going to constantly say it's not enough?? Cause that's not fair. Just tired of feeling like I'm walked all over. That I can't do anything right. Well unless it's like cooking cause you do suck at that.
And I am torn. The one part of me goes you love him you want to be with him for the rest of your life. Plus too I took vows which are very important to me. I stood before my faith and God and promised to be there thru thick and thin. Then the other part of me is going I need to leave. I'm not getting any younger and if I would wait too long I'll be alone. I know that's not fair to say, it probably stings to see, I would be sad to hear if you would think like that. Idk
Right now, I'm waiting for that storm. It's coming .. I can feel it. It's been awhile, so it's close. And I don't know what will happen this time :(
One part of me thinks that we belong together because we pretty much understand each other. But the other part of me thinks that we are making each other worse people .. like we're fueling each other into destruction.
Like it makes me mad because I watch things or see other people together and I wonder why you don't treat me like that. I'm becoming so angry at you. I'm angry well hurt for all that you did, but now I'm becoming mad because your still being the person that you were/are. It doesn't feel like it's enough. And am I going to constantly say it's not enough?? Cause that's not fair. Just tired of feeling like I'm walked all over. That I can't do anything right. Well unless it's like cooking cause you do suck at that.
And I am torn. The one part of me goes you love him you want to be with him for the rest of your life. Plus too I took vows which are very important to me. I stood before my faith and God and promised to be there thru thick and thin. Then the other part of me is going I need to leave. I'm not getting any younger and if I would wait too long I'll be alone. I know that's not fair to say, it probably stings to see, I would be sad to hear if you would think like that. Idk
Right now, I'm waiting for that storm. It's coming .. I can feel it. It's been awhile, so it's close. And I don't know what will happen this time :(
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
LIAR
That's what you are are you not?!
It kills me how stupid you think I am. Cause really, it's just making you look more and more stupid. It's like every time I catch you in another lie, it almost makes me laugh and want to REALLY be a Bitch and say Good Damn you Dumb! Wouldn't you like to hear that??
The best of your lies are the ones that you say, I wasn't lying or trying to hide it. *laugh* a what? Really you just completely tried to hide it but because I found it, and not because I was searching either. But for you to be like all "oh" and that was it. It was just like hmm.. yep again. Again Again Again Again. Just like always with you.
Oh and stop talking like your actually changing. Or that you will actually do something different.
Gotta love it that here I'm the one who just about 99.9% of the time is always sticking up for my family and fighting for them. Whether is school or just so bogus thing like at the pool when ppl are moving our things. You just sit there and say how it's bullshit. Ya it's bullshit but I'm not going to sit there and take it either. Nor am I going to take it anymore from your mother.
That's another topic there your mother. Just a bit I'm going to go off, Love that for years I've asked for you to 'defend me' and you just sit back and do nothing. Yet your brother, in the first moment he defended his wife without even thinking. Gotta love it. You never stand up for me. Ever!
But I guess that would also tie into a lie. Because you made your vows to me and really I don't know if there's one word in them that was actually true. Or at least that you truly believed in keeping and fulfilling.
Instead it's just always about whatever makes you feel good. You are a very selfish person!
I know I'm selfish. Well, I would say at times I am. Other times I take a moment and think I should do this or that for someone else. You don't know how to do that. At least for me anyways. You'll do it for you mom, that left you with your dad .. who was never around and worthless, but you'll drop everything to help her. But me who's stuck by your side, ya who cares.. guess I'm trash.
It kills me how stupid you think I am. Cause really, it's just making you look more and more stupid. It's like every time I catch you in another lie, it almost makes me laugh and want to REALLY be a Bitch and say Good Damn you Dumb! Wouldn't you like to hear that??
The best of your lies are the ones that you say, I wasn't lying or trying to hide it. *laugh* a what? Really you just completely tried to hide it but because I found it, and not because I was searching either. But for you to be like all "oh" and that was it. It was just like hmm.. yep again. Again Again Again Again. Just like always with you.
Oh and stop talking like your actually changing. Or that you will actually do something different.
Gotta love it that here I'm the one who just about 99.9% of the time is always sticking up for my family and fighting for them. Whether is school or just so bogus thing like at the pool when ppl are moving our things. You just sit there and say how it's bullshit. Ya it's bullshit but I'm not going to sit there and take it either. Nor am I going to take it anymore from your mother.
That's another topic there your mother. Just a bit I'm going to go off, Love that for years I've asked for you to 'defend me' and you just sit back and do nothing. Yet your brother, in the first moment he defended his wife without even thinking. Gotta love it. You never stand up for me. Ever!
But I guess that would also tie into a lie. Because you made your vows to me and really I don't know if there's one word in them that was actually true. Or at least that you truly believed in keeping and fulfilling.
Instead it's just always about whatever makes you feel good. You are a very selfish person!
I know I'm selfish. Well, I would say at times I am. Other times I take a moment and think I should do this or that for someone else. You don't know how to do that. At least for me anyways. You'll do it for you mom, that left you with your dad .. who was never around and worthless, but you'll drop everything to help her. But me who's stuck by your side, ya who cares.. guess I'm trash.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Gave In
I always give in. Yes maybe things happened because of me. I so did not mean to cut your check open. I really didn't. I didn't even know that I was throwing it at your face. Your head was under the blanket, so I had no idea where I was throwing the damn phone.
But with that, I'm the one that has to end up sacrificing for it. I really at times don't think you understand things. You sit there and act like a victim and act like 'poor me', and it pisses me off. It's like all the shit you put and are putting me thru doesn't matter because finally when it's coming back to you you think that you don't deserve it. It's frustrating!
You've done so much to me that I have said Okay. I gave in. I said I would stand by because that's my belief. It's starting to get hard now tho. I don't know how much longer I can just Stand By. If you are not willing to put up and actually grow up and deal, well I don't know how I could just watch what I wanted in my life disappear.
I'm getting old. I don't have a lot of options. And it's not like I want a whole lot of opinions either, it's just I want to know that you are willing to put yourself out there as well instead of taking everything that I'm putting out there and crushing it. It's bullshit! I gave you everything and you have now taken it for granted and I'm really just done with it!
But to say the least, I did it again. Instead of leaving .. I stayed. I got to hear about all the shit I did, in which you don't even really apologize for all the SHIT you put me thru. It's like some reason you got a Bye on that but what I do now is like the HUGE thing. Funny how what the shit you pulled was okay but the fact that if I react like how you used to is okay but it's not okay for you. Your a frickin hypocrite!
I don't like you manipulating and making everyone feel SAD for you. I don't do that! I have never. Guess maybe I should! It's annoying that you get to sit there and make ppl think horrible things about me, when you are right there in the mix.. maybe even more?!
You should be thankful for one thing. And that one thing is that my parents taught me that once you take that vow you hold on your end of the bargain. I believe in my religion.. without that I'm pretty sure your ass would be on the street.
But with that, I'm the one that has to end up sacrificing for it. I really at times don't think you understand things. You sit there and act like a victim and act like 'poor me', and it pisses me off. It's like all the shit you put and are putting me thru doesn't matter because finally when it's coming back to you you think that you don't deserve it. It's frustrating!
You've done so much to me that I have said Okay. I gave in. I said I would stand by because that's my belief. It's starting to get hard now tho. I don't know how much longer I can just Stand By. If you are not willing to put up and actually grow up and deal, well I don't know how I could just watch what I wanted in my life disappear.
I'm getting old. I don't have a lot of options. And it's not like I want a whole lot of opinions either, it's just I want to know that you are willing to put yourself out there as well instead of taking everything that I'm putting out there and crushing it. It's bullshit! I gave you everything and you have now taken it for granted and I'm really just done with it!
But to say the least, I did it again. Instead of leaving .. I stayed. I got to hear about all the shit I did, in which you don't even really apologize for all the SHIT you put me thru. It's like some reason you got a Bye on that but what I do now is like the HUGE thing. Funny how what the shit you pulled was okay but the fact that if I react like how you used to is okay but it's not okay for you. Your a frickin hypocrite!
I don't like you manipulating and making everyone feel SAD for you. I don't do that! I have never. Guess maybe I should! It's annoying that you get to sit there and make ppl think horrible things about me, when you are right there in the mix.. maybe even more?!
You should be thankful for one thing. And that one thing is that my parents taught me that once you take that vow you hold on your end of the bargain. I believe in my religion.. without that I'm pretty sure your ass would be on the street.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Calm Before the Storm
That's my new saying .. well newish. Always have that calm.. and then something always happens.
Problem now is not the fight, not what happened. Which I will say the cut under your eye, I threw the phone at you in which you were under the blanket so there was NO intent to hurt you in that way at all! I didn't even touch you at all the whole time, so when it happened and when I offered 3 different times to help and you were just being an ass well I can't say much more then that.
I knew you would take my children. =/ I'm kinda figuring what's going to go on. I know you going to bring up all my bad things. Going to jail, drinking, having an eating disorder. Getting upset at things. I know your going to throw me under the bus so that I don't have my children.
Just so you know .. just so maybe.. just MAYBE.. you get this. I had those babies in my belly. I felt them grow I felt them kick. I talked to them I held them before they were even in this world. I read to them I sung with them. I laughed at them when they kicked me. I put up with the pain in the labor room with them. I was awake while you slept and ate while I was in pain to bring them into this world. I tried everything to give them anything I could for them.
But I get it, I know what you will do to me. I know your going to tear me from the inside out. And there's really nothing I can do. Cause I have been depressed and upset.. and that gives you the right to be the daddy of the year.. right!!!
Eventho I was the one and am still the one waking up with them. Making them their meals. For god sakes you didn't even get them lunch today. But hey.. ya I got the memo.. It's ME!
You do a God Damn good job of manipulating ppl. That's for sure! You know exactly how to make ppl feel bad for you and think that you deserve it. Well, guess what.. YOU DON'T!!!!
Now your just somebody that I used to know.
Problem now is not the fight, not what happened. Which I will say the cut under your eye, I threw the phone at you in which you were under the blanket so there was NO intent to hurt you in that way at all! I didn't even touch you at all the whole time, so when it happened and when I offered 3 different times to help and you were just being an ass well I can't say much more then that.
I knew you would take my children. =/ I'm kinda figuring what's going to go on. I know you going to bring up all my bad things. Going to jail, drinking, having an eating disorder. Getting upset at things. I know your going to throw me under the bus so that I don't have my children.
Just so you know .. just so maybe.. just MAYBE.. you get this. I had those babies in my belly. I felt them grow I felt them kick. I talked to them I held them before they were even in this world. I read to them I sung with them. I laughed at them when they kicked me. I put up with the pain in the labor room with them. I was awake while you slept and ate while I was in pain to bring them into this world. I tried everything to give them anything I could for them.
But I get it, I know what you will do to me. I know your going to tear me from the inside out. And there's really nothing I can do. Cause I have been depressed and upset.. and that gives you the right to be the daddy of the year.. right!!!
Eventho I was the one and am still the one waking up with them. Making them their meals. For god sakes you didn't even get them lunch today. But hey.. ya I got the memo.. It's ME!
You do a God Damn good job of manipulating ppl. That's for sure! You know exactly how to make ppl feel bad for you and think that you deserve it. Well, guess what.. YOU DON'T!!!!
Now your just somebody that I used to know.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
I just don't know
I'm not going to publish everything. I don't want to do that to you.
I just don't get things. I know what you say, but you haven't well what they say 'walk the walk'!? You keep telling me things are going to go this way or that way, in which you chose to do neither.
I don't know how much longer I can't stay in this toxic relationship. I'm trying everything to get thru to you and yet you keep saying that your working on it, in which you are not. And I can't say lately I have either. Lately I figure you don't get a damn neither do I, FUCK IT!
But then I go back and I'm like I do love you. I do. Maybe unfortunately maybe not. I don't know anymore what I'm doing. I keep giving you passes. You get these free passes, ya maybe I bring it up later, but it's kinda hard not to when there's actual proof to show you what you do. =/
I don't know what you get out of hurting me.. I don't get it. And sorry just doesn't count. It can't anymore. It's the proof of you changing that will only count.
Your chances are getting limited. I don't think you realize how close it is.
And the fact that then you play this victim game, and say just leave because I'm this or that.. fuck off! You are an ass right now!! But to sit there and act all sad .. a NO! You don't get that right! Sorry you just don't!
I truly hope (and I mean this) that things will get resolved.
I married you with the intentions of living with you for the rest of my life. I remember the day we got married and I believe in it all. It wasn't a celebration to me. It was me saying that I loved you and I wanted to live with you for the rest of my life. Thru the thick and thin and I would do ANYTHING I could to make sure that that's what happened. That I would have a blessed family that was strong and united. Maybe fight but then figure out the problem and make it work. That's what I went into our marriage with.
Guess I don't know what you were thinking.
I just don't get things. I know what you say, but you haven't well what they say 'walk the walk'!? You keep telling me things are going to go this way or that way, in which you chose to do neither.
I don't know how much longer I can't stay in this toxic relationship. I'm trying everything to get thru to you and yet you keep saying that your working on it, in which you are not. And I can't say lately I have either. Lately I figure you don't get a damn neither do I, FUCK IT!
But then I go back and I'm like I do love you. I do. Maybe unfortunately maybe not. I don't know anymore what I'm doing. I keep giving you passes. You get these free passes, ya maybe I bring it up later, but it's kinda hard not to when there's actual proof to show you what you do. =/
I don't know what you get out of hurting me.. I don't get it. And sorry just doesn't count. It can't anymore. It's the proof of you changing that will only count.
Your chances are getting limited. I don't think you realize how close it is.
And the fact that then you play this victim game, and say just leave because I'm this or that.. fuck off! You are an ass right now!! But to sit there and act all sad .. a NO! You don't get that right! Sorry you just don't!
I truly hope (and I mean this) that things will get resolved.
I married you with the intentions of living with you for the rest of my life. I remember the day we got married and I believe in it all. It wasn't a celebration to me. It was me saying that I loved you and I wanted to live with you for the rest of my life. Thru the thick and thin and I would do ANYTHING I could to make sure that that's what happened. That I would have a blessed family that was strong and united. Maybe fight but then figure out the problem and make it work. That's what I went into our marriage with.
Guess I don't know what you were thinking.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Choices
Well, I made my choice. I chose to give up fighting against Ed. I chose that before things (eventho we still had issues) were better then they are now.
I chose to give up on therapy, because it costs money and it's getting us no where. Mainly because there's no work going into it.
I am upset with you. I'm trying and you just think that 'being' is enough. I don't know why you think that just because you got someone to fall in love with you that that would be enough.
It's really annoying that you always say that your going to do things.. your going to change and yet it's the same thing every time. You want one thing but then don't do the other.
And you always seem like your annoyed with me. You say you don't mind me talking and yet you always seem like you just wished I would just shut up! I just don't know what to do anymore. *shrugs*
But I made the choice to put 'me' aside so I can concentrate again on everything else. Guess we'll see.
I chose to give up on therapy, because it costs money and it's getting us no where. Mainly because there's no work going into it.
I am upset with you. I'm trying and you just think that 'being' is enough. I don't know why you think that just because you got someone to fall in love with you that that would be enough.
It's really annoying that you always say that your going to do things.. your going to change and yet it's the same thing every time. You want one thing but then don't do the other.
And you always seem like your annoyed with me. You say you don't mind me talking and yet you always seem like you just wished I would just shut up! I just don't know what to do anymore. *shrugs*
But I made the choice to put 'me' aside so I can concentrate again on everything else. Guess we'll see.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
What I miss most
This has taken me awhile. I came up with the topic, because once again apparently Tom doesn't want anything to do with it. In which I have brought it up a few times but Well, It Is What It Is.
What I miss though. Well, if I go back a ways it's the thought that life was going to be different. I was ignorant thinking that I was going to have that white picket fence way of living. And it's not like everything is all bad or anything. (sometimes it is.. you know) It's just I had this picture in my head. This dream.
Dreams I guess are just dreams. Made for a reason.
I do miss the feeling of wanting you to come home and see you. I get that that's harsh. But it's also me. I know that. Mainly because I have no one in the day time. And we both know my trust issues. So I only like to talk with certain ppl, and even then it's questionable. It's just now that's like the only reason why I look forward to seeing you is just to be able to talk to someone or watch a show with someone.
I miss the thought of going out to eat alone and it being enjoyable instead of a task.
I had such high hopes. And it seemed like every time I told you how I was thinking/feeling/wanting it went on a deaf ear. It's always seemed to be about what you want and now I'm trying to take it back. I'm trying to do what I want. Because you did it for so long and I guess it's my turn. Give you a taste of your own medicine.
I miss thinking that I was actually happy.
What I miss though. Well, if I go back a ways it's the thought that life was going to be different. I was ignorant thinking that I was going to have that white picket fence way of living. And it's not like everything is all bad or anything. (sometimes it is.. you know) It's just I had this picture in my head. This dream.
Dreams I guess are just dreams. Made for a reason.
I do miss the feeling of wanting you to come home and see you. I get that that's harsh. But it's also me. I know that. Mainly because I have no one in the day time. And we both know my trust issues. So I only like to talk with certain ppl, and even then it's questionable. It's just now that's like the only reason why I look forward to seeing you is just to be able to talk to someone or watch a show with someone.
I miss the thought of going out to eat alone and it being enjoyable instead of a task.
I had such high hopes. And it seemed like every time I told you how I was thinking/feeling/wanting it went on a deaf ear. It's always seemed to be about what you want and now I'm trying to take it back. I'm trying to do what I want. Because you did it for so long and I guess it's my turn. Give you a taste of your own medicine.
I miss thinking that I was actually happy.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Again
So eventho we are not on another week I wanted to write anyways. I took the reign:) Sorry.
I don't get you. I can't understand why your ways are always the RIGHT ways. Why you say something happened the way it did when it didn't happen like that.
SO .. tonight. I woke up around 1:30ish and went to the bathroom. And then saw that you were laying lengthwise on the bed (not up and down by side to side). Tried at first to wake you but that didn't work and so then I try pushing you. Which I have no energy to push or no muscle I guess either. You end up turning where your head is like going to the foot of the bed so I was like okay that's fine too as long as I get my side of the bed:) But then I start to push you with my feet. And you end up punching me in my chins. I start to yell at you .. well not yell but I got attitude Big time and you tell me to just get water .. So eventho I knew that it would 'trigger' you.. I got water. Not once but twice. It wasn't until I started to record tho that you really got upset. But it was like seriously you don't even know what's being said or done and in the morning your just going to deny it.. maybe accept it .. but either way it'll happen again. And that's what I'm trying to stop.
Trying to keep this some what short.. for some reason you turned off my computer because I was going to journal. A.. you wouldn't let me upstairs and was telling me to get out of the house..
What was really weird was that you wanted me to show you what I did with trying to get you on the other side of the bed. So I show you .. only for you to kinda be upset or sadden by it to only then get upset to then come back to have me show you again to then again be upset by it going I don't know why I did that. OOH. And also to say about how I lay.. and it's like really you can't push 125lbs ?? Because you pick me up all the time with no problem .. SO you couldn't have just easily moved me over??? I can't do that with you. I don't have the strength. Sorry but I really don't!
Well to say the least, things went further and I really don't want to keep pushing the dagger further and further. That's not what I want nor what I would like for you.
You don't get it do you??!! I don't think you know how to! I SAID I LOVED YOU.. THAT I WOULD STAND NEXT TO YOU FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.. I SAID THAT BEFORE WE EVEN MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!! WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU NOT UNDERSTANDING THAT???
I'm tired of this. I would say you are too but I'm not going to speak for you. Seriously this is getting old tho and I need to figure things out. Do I need to walk away from our relationship or are we really going to WORK on it??? I need that answer.
I know I should develop my own answer but I'm just hoping that you are wanting to work on it
I don't get you. I can't understand why your ways are always the RIGHT ways. Why you say something happened the way it did when it didn't happen like that.
SO .. tonight. I woke up around 1:30ish and went to the bathroom. And then saw that you were laying lengthwise on the bed (not up and down by side to side). Tried at first to wake you but that didn't work and so then I try pushing you. Which I have no energy to push or no muscle I guess either. You end up turning where your head is like going to the foot of the bed so I was like okay that's fine too as long as I get my side of the bed:) But then I start to push you with my feet. And you end up punching me in my chins. I start to yell at you .. well not yell but I got attitude Big time and you tell me to just get water .. So eventho I knew that it would 'trigger' you.. I got water. Not once but twice. It wasn't until I started to record tho that you really got upset. But it was like seriously you don't even know what's being said or done and in the morning your just going to deny it.. maybe accept it .. but either way it'll happen again. And that's what I'm trying to stop.
Trying to keep this some what short.. for some reason you turned off my computer because I was going to journal. A.. you wouldn't let me upstairs and was telling me to get out of the house..
What was really weird was that you wanted me to show you what I did with trying to get you on the other side of the bed. So I show you .. only for you to kinda be upset or sadden by it to only then get upset to then come back to have me show you again to then again be upset by it going I don't know why I did that. OOH. And also to say about how I lay.. and it's like really you can't push 125lbs ?? Because you pick me up all the time with no problem .. SO you couldn't have just easily moved me over??? I can't do that with you. I don't have the strength. Sorry but I really don't!
Well to say the least, things went further and I really don't want to keep pushing the dagger further and further. That's not what I want nor what I would like for you.
You don't get it do you??!! I don't think you know how to! I SAID I LOVED YOU.. THAT I WOULD STAND NEXT TO YOU FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.. I SAID THAT BEFORE WE EVEN MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!! WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU NOT UNDERSTANDING THAT???
I'm tired of this. I would say you are too but I'm not going to speak for you. Seriously this is getting old tho and I need to figure things out. Do I need to walk away from our relationship or are we really going to WORK on it??? I need that answer.
I know I should develop my own answer but I'm just hoping that you are wanting to work on it
Monday, March 26, 2012
What I can't stand
Shit.. how long could this list go:) lol
But really seriously.
What I dislike the most, is that you don't seem to care about my feelings. You constantly fight me on every situation. Because YOU KNOW BEST!!! ALWAYS DO! RIGHT?!?! YOU HAVE THE RIGHT ANSWER!
It's just annoying that you'll fight with me because you know exactly what to do, what to say, what I need to do better, What I'm feeling. And yet if I mess up and say that your feeling this way you get upset with me because I don't know what your feeling. A.. hello, why do you think you constantly know what I'm feeling.
Well, I was to have this finished eventho I know you are not even doing it. So I'll continue on my end and do what I started to do to try to help our relationship. That's also another thing that upsets me because you say constantly that you want to work on it and you'll try all these things to help it and yet you do nothing. Kinda that whole list of things that you brought home for me to consider and have we even done one on it?!?!? Hmm..
But really seriously.
What I dislike the most, is that you don't seem to care about my feelings. You constantly fight me on every situation. Because YOU KNOW BEST!!! ALWAYS DO! RIGHT?!?! YOU HAVE THE RIGHT ANSWER!
It's just annoying that you'll fight with me because you know exactly what to do, what to say, what I need to do better, What I'm feeling. And yet if I mess up and say that your feeling this way you get upset with me because I don't know what your feeling. A.. hello, why do you think you constantly know what I'm feeling.
Well, I was to have this finished eventho I know you are not even doing it. So I'll continue on my end and do what I started to do to try to help our relationship. That's also another thing that upsets me because you say constantly that you want to work on it and you'll try all these things to help it and yet you do nothing. Kinda that whole list of things that you brought home for me to consider and have we even done one on it?!?!? Hmm..
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Hobbies
Really? I mean really? I swear I don't know why .. out of all things .. Hobbies! AHH..
Well here I go. My hobbies. What is a hobby:)
I remember when I first talking with ppl on the internet they would ask my hobbies. A well I play sports, I play the piano, I sing. Didn't really read. Oh music. That was always up there on the list.
What are my hobbies now tho? Christ I have no idea.
I was into reading there for awhile, up until June, when shit starting hitting the ceiling. I like to sit out in the sun. Wished I still liked to swim, but now it's just too much that I don't like to do it that much. Plus to most of the time the water is cold.
Ooh.. I like camping. Love camping. Specially sitting next to the fire. I love hearing that crackle and then the heat that comes off of it.
I definitely do not like to fish. At least to places that we've gone to.. at least a cording to him ?!?!
I miss our times tho. I miss the times of us just being together. Nothing more nothing less. Expectations .. they didn't exist! I definitely miss those days.
But as for now, it seems my hobbies are cleaning. Not like I don't take pride in cleaning but at times .. I just feel like it's another thing I'm being judged on.
Well here I go. My hobbies. What is a hobby:)
I remember when I first talking with ppl on the internet they would ask my hobbies. A well I play sports, I play the piano, I sing. Didn't really read. Oh music. That was always up there on the list.
What are my hobbies now tho? Christ I have no idea.
I was into reading there for awhile, up until June, when shit starting hitting the ceiling. I like to sit out in the sun. Wished I still liked to swim, but now it's just too much that I don't like to do it that much. Plus to most of the time the water is cold.
Ooh.. I like camping. Love camping. Specially sitting next to the fire. I love hearing that crackle and then the heat that comes off of it.
Not sure if that gets to count as a hobby tho !??!
I definitely do not like to fish. At least to places that we've gone to.. at least a cording to him ?!?!
I miss our times tho. I miss the times of us just being together. Nothing more nothing less. Expectations .. they didn't exist! I definitely miss those days.
But as for now, it seems my hobbies are cleaning. Not like I don't take pride in cleaning but at times .. I just feel like it's another thing I'm being judged on.
Friday, March 16, 2012
When We Met
Now this is a story. And I have to back it up some too just so you get the whole shebang.
My good friend, Heather was graduating college that week. And to go all out, we drank every night. Well Friday met up with a group, in a town that's about 15 minutes away from where we live. Anyways I was going to get a ride with someone else when my friend calls to say come back. So I get dropped off to only not find them and she wouldn't pick up her damn phone! (It wasn't the first time this shit happened.. so I wasn't upset or anything just wanted to go home) Then I break my phone.. that's what a drunk ass does. And all the numbers are in my phone.. the phone works but you just can't see anything on the screen. So luckily the casino we .. I mean I was at let me use the phone. And long and behold the only number I can remember and who wouldn't, was my friend Cory and it was 722-SUCK haha:) I tell you if that wasn't for his number I would have been stranded.
Well he drives and comes picks me up. (oh and he was also graduating that day too, but he wasn't surprised with Heather either lol). So I get home at 5:30 a.m. and go straight to bed.
I was supposed to go to the ceremony but I slept straight thru it. Heather called like at 12:30 and was like where are you we're on our way to .. you want us to pick you up? So I'm like give me 20:) Got showered and ready and then headed off to their reception. (her fiance at that time had also graduated).
They were out at the Holiday Inn..As we were sitting there in the lobby I will never forget Tom walking thru the doors. He was there with his mom, not to go to Heathers, but he was friends with her fiance. But he was wearing a blue sweater, khakis and a broncos baseball cap. He looks hot to me at least:)
So I went to Heathers reception that her family held. Then went over to Brandon's (her fiances) suite where his mom had some food too. And then Tom and his mom came in to join. Anyways.. there's a lot more to that story with really weird shit happening between ppl that I don't want to necessarily say names that is just kinda creepy.
But Tom tried to fix my phone, which he found out real fast that it wasn't fixable.. it was definitely broke. Me and phones. Not a good match lol.
As we are leaving to go out and celebrate (aka drink) Tom says that he's going somewhere else. Over in WY. I was bummed. But well I wasn't going to say come with us cause I'm going there:) Well Heather, Brandon and I went back to their place had a drink and then headed down. And to my surprise Tom was there.
Oh and I am.. well was cause I can't anymore .. a shot drinking. I loved to do shots then and would experiment with many different ones. Well I was buying a round for our table and then I added one for Tom and said I bought you a shot you'll have to come over and take it with us. And he did=)
Then the night went.. to say the least we ended up in the bathroom. NOT like that. But I had pants that tied on the side and had came untied when we were walking from the one bar to the other. So I made him come into the bathroom to tie them. Tell you small towns you should not do that. I think it took like 30 seconds and ppl were saying we were having sex. And because I drink as much as I was the frickin waitress knew me as soon as I talked. She was like Trina! I'm like no my pants I need tied they won't stay up.
Well, all I know is that night he came and stayed at my place, the next night he didn't, but then from then on we've always been together. It was odd how fast things took place ..
We've had up and downs. Some major downs. And I imagine that we will have more to come.
Funny thing about are friends.. Was I was friends with Heather since Freshman Yr. And had been around her fiance for awhile. He actually used to live with Tom. Then my other friend Amanda was dating Jesse, who again been around and he also at one time lived with Tom. I was friends with half of his friends but never met him. Weird how our two circles intertwined but yet we never saw each other. Not until that day.
The one thing I can say is that I will never forget when I say him and the feeling I got. I'll never forget when he came over to take a shot with us. Those memories can't be taken away.
My good friend, Heather was graduating college that week. And to go all out, we drank every night. Well Friday met up with a group, in a town that's about 15 minutes away from where we live. Anyways I was going to get a ride with someone else when my friend calls to say come back. So I get dropped off to only not find them and she wouldn't pick up her damn phone! (It wasn't the first time this shit happened.. so I wasn't upset or anything just wanted to go home) Then I break my phone.. that's what a drunk ass does. And all the numbers are in my phone.. the phone works but you just can't see anything on the screen. So luckily the casino we .. I mean I was at let me use the phone. And long and behold the only number I can remember and who wouldn't, was my friend Cory and it was 722-SUCK haha:) I tell you if that wasn't for his number I would have been stranded.
Well he drives and comes picks me up. (oh and he was also graduating that day too, but he wasn't surprised with Heather either lol). So I get home at 5:30 a.m. and go straight to bed.
I was supposed to go to the ceremony but I slept straight thru it. Heather called like at 12:30 and was like where are you we're on our way to .. you want us to pick you up? So I'm like give me 20:) Got showered and ready and then headed off to their reception. (her fiance at that time had also graduated).
They were out at the Holiday Inn..As we were sitting there in the lobby I will never forget Tom walking thru the doors. He was there with his mom, not to go to Heathers, but he was friends with her fiance. But he was wearing a blue sweater, khakis and a broncos baseball cap. He looks hot to me at least:)
So I went to Heathers reception that her family held. Then went over to Brandon's (her fiances) suite where his mom had some food too. And then Tom and his mom came in to join. Anyways.. there's a lot more to that story with really weird shit happening between ppl that I don't want to necessarily say names that is just kinda creepy.
But Tom tried to fix my phone, which he found out real fast that it wasn't fixable.. it was definitely broke. Me and phones. Not a good match lol.
As we are leaving to go out and celebrate (aka drink) Tom says that he's going somewhere else. Over in WY. I was bummed. But well I wasn't going to say come with us cause I'm going there:) Well Heather, Brandon and I went back to their place had a drink and then headed down. And to my surprise Tom was there.
Oh and I am.. well was cause I can't anymore .. a shot drinking. I loved to do shots then and would experiment with many different ones. Well I was buying a round for our table and then I added one for Tom and said I bought you a shot you'll have to come over and take it with us. And he did=)
Then the night went.. to say the least we ended up in the bathroom. NOT like that. But I had pants that tied on the side and had came untied when we were walking from the one bar to the other. So I made him come into the bathroom to tie them. Tell you small towns you should not do that. I think it took like 30 seconds and ppl were saying we were having sex. And because I drink as much as I was the frickin waitress knew me as soon as I talked. She was like Trina! I'm like no my pants I need tied they won't stay up.
Well, all I know is that night he came and stayed at my place, the next night he didn't, but then from then on we've always been together. It was odd how fast things took place ..
We've had up and downs. Some major downs. And I imagine that we will have more to come.
Funny thing about are friends.. Was I was friends with Heather since Freshman Yr. And had been around her fiance for awhile. He actually used to live with Tom. Then my other friend Amanda was dating Jesse, who again been around and he also at one time lived with Tom. I was friends with half of his friends but never met him. Weird how our two circles intertwined but yet we never saw each other. Not until that day.
The one thing I can say is that I will never forget when I say him and the feeling I got. I'll never forget when he came over to take a shot with us. Those memories can't be taken away.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
What this is
So,
I don't know what it is about blogging that I feel like I get closer to someone. Well, perhaps that your pouring out your thoughts .. and either you feel connect to that person or you don't understand it. Either way I like it.
The reason for this blog is that I was thinking yesterday and I wanted to like reconnect with my husband again. I wanted to have that relationship of knowing what each other was thinking and to not just talk about work and the kids. To be like when we were dating and just getting to know one another.
Anyways, I've convinced him to blog with me, and each week we'll chose a topic. One week .. well it's me the first week considering I had to convince him:) but we'll take turns each week on what we want to talk about, read it and then maybe at the end of the week just discuss it for about 10-15 minutes.
I figured this way we are not busy worrying what we are going to say next in the conversation and it might help us understand each other in a different way.
That's the purpose of this blog.. I hope it works.. haha.Not funny but it is in the same sense.
I don't know what it is about blogging that I feel like I get closer to someone. Well, perhaps that your pouring out your thoughts .. and either you feel connect to that person or you don't understand it. Either way I like it.
The reason for this blog is that I was thinking yesterday and I wanted to like reconnect with my husband again. I wanted to have that relationship of knowing what each other was thinking and to not just talk about work and the kids. To be like when we were dating and just getting to know one another.
Anyways, I've convinced him to blog with me, and each week we'll chose a topic. One week .. well it's me the first week considering I had to convince him:) but we'll take turns each week on what we want to talk about, read it and then maybe at the end of the week just discuss it for about 10-15 minutes.
I figured this way we are not busy worrying what we are going to say next in the conversation and it might help us understand each other in a different way.
That's the purpose of this blog.. I hope it works.. haha.Not funny but it is in the same sense.
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