The "new" person

Or I guess I should say what you say is that your trying to change..

I'm hesitant on this. And actually hesitant is a light word to use. You've promised me before. I've been told sorry way too many times. I've been told it's Me that's the problem. And I hold to what I have done.

God I didn't have to tell you about Derrick. And we didn't even do anything. I felt guilty because I flirted with him and actually liked that someone was giving me attention .. it felt good to have someone to actually like me. Then I went and told you when I didn't have to. I could have gone on doing whatever without being honest but instead all it did was get me into a whole lot of mess that is still getting brought up. Yes not by you, but by your family because you had to go running to your mommy. Well, how about you go running to her about all the shit you have done to me that .. well I have still brought up (mainly because you keep it up), but I mean you never cared about me. It's always been you, and you play like you are innocent and this perfect lovely husband. That you do all this stuff for me, well you do do stuff .. just not what should be being done.

And it's embarrassing that Matt is willing to do something about it.

Just wished you would get it! Wished you would look in my eyes and see .. the light is going out. And I don't know how to get myself back to the person I was. I look at pictures and it just makes me upset because I want to go back to that person, but going back to that person means so much change. I guess maybe that's the change that might need to be.

It'll be hard, it'll be a fight I know. Not just with you, but with the kids. The explanations, to them which I'll try to be as upfront as possible in what they would need to hear, but then to family, to friends, to ppl I don't really even know. Cause we both know I would go to Philip and the talk there is not quite and I wouldn't be at this point ready to handle that without flipping out. So I feel absolutely stuck and sad.

I pray and I hope it changes. Otherwise I honestly, well.. one way or another I'll be gone.