You piss me off more then words can be told!!!!
You always do what is best for you!! It's just lately that you have actually starrted to see. But do I believe you.. hmm.
YOu make me feel worse and worse about myself then I could even describe.
And the fact that I know you'r not even going to read this .. bothers me more!
WHy waste my time.?!?!?!?!
Im over it!!!
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Monday, April 15, 2013
Broken Promises
I was searching for Zae's billfold when I ran across this note that I had. I honestly don't remember giving it to you, but I pretty sure I had at one time when I was upset with you. So here's the list:
- you will help out more
- be more aware of how you talk to me
- telling me that I have the problem I need to fix me'
- me always having to pick up after you
- you constantly taking my things
- I'm the one responsible for the money yet you can spend it how you want, but as soon as I do it's question question question
- helping with the kids
- bringing home a list that I was supposed to go thru to get us closer together and you basically refusing to do any of it because we haven't done any of it. Oh except the walk.. once!
- helping out when it comes to what to cook (suggestions and what not)
The other parts I have on the list are you always saying it's my fault that we fight. And then reading that I wrote how you still push me and say things to get me going because you can. You know that I would be the one going back in a heart beat and you have that advantage. And you used it to your fullest ability too.
Thing about this is it wasn't even a yr ago. That's not long enough for me to forgive you for all of what happened and what's continuing to happen. I can't stand how you do something and your supposed to get a 'that-a-boy' type of response when I do the same thing I don't get a thank you. It's just expected of me. Funny that now I'm almost associating this with the sports and how the parents always want to get their kids trophies. Same thing with you isn't it. You need to be told good job or thank you when you don't bother to do the same to someone else. You always have your hand out and it's not to help someone else up. Specially not me. Your wife. The one that you referred to as an angle that came into your life. The one that gave birth to your children. But who am I .. right? Just another bag of garbage on the side of the street.
- you will help out more
- be more aware of how you talk to me
- telling me that I have the problem I need to fix me'
- me always having to pick up after you
- you constantly taking my things
- I'm the one responsible for the money yet you can spend it how you want, but as soon as I do it's question question question
- helping with the kids
- bringing home a list that I was supposed to go thru to get us closer together and you basically refusing to do any of it because we haven't done any of it. Oh except the walk.. once!
- helping out when it comes to what to cook (suggestions and what not)
The other parts I have on the list are you always saying it's my fault that we fight. And then reading that I wrote how you still push me and say things to get me going because you can. You know that I would be the one going back in a heart beat and you have that advantage. And you used it to your fullest ability too.
Thing about this is it wasn't even a yr ago. That's not long enough for me to forgive you for all of what happened and what's continuing to happen. I can't stand how you do something and your supposed to get a 'that-a-boy' type of response when I do the same thing I don't get a thank you. It's just expected of me. Funny that now I'm almost associating this with the sports and how the parents always want to get their kids trophies. Same thing with you isn't it. You need to be told good job or thank you when you don't bother to do the same to someone else. You always have your hand out and it's not to help someone else up. Specially not me. Your wife. The one that you referred to as an angle that came into your life. The one that gave birth to your children. But who am I .. right? Just another bag of garbage on the side of the street.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Nights like these.
These are the nights I can't stand. I find you to be so hypocritical it's ridiculous!
You are the one that introduced me to the group. I was fine where I was. Actually I think I was better off then then I am now. But you thought that after what 8 yrs you finally had the answers.. ya.. that worked out didn't it.
Plus it doesn't help when you start drinking. It's actually really annoying. It's so obvious too .. makes me just roll my eyes. You act so stupid it's just annoying as F*CK. You act like an idiot. And if you think that anyone doesn't realize it.. then you are a lot dumber then I thought. Which doesn't say much about me either then.
Just find it funny that you get up on your pedestal to like preach to me. Oh really.. come on .. :) haha.. funny funny.
These are the nights tho that I could stay up all night long just as long as I don't have to speak to you. Mainly because you make not a whole lot of sense. You think you do, but really .. ya you don't. You sound like and a$$. The problem about it is .. you don't remember it. You'll say you do, but the next time it happens, it's just a replica of what happened the first time, so doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But ya..
Well, that's it for me. I'm on to other things.
You are the one that introduced me to the group. I was fine where I was. Actually I think I was better off then then I am now. But you thought that after what 8 yrs you finally had the answers.. ya.. that worked out didn't it.
Plus it doesn't help when you start drinking. It's actually really annoying. It's so obvious too .. makes me just roll my eyes. You act so stupid it's just annoying as F*CK. You act like an idiot. And if you think that anyone doesn't realize it.. then you are a lot dumber then I thought. Which doesn't say much about me either then.
Just find it funny that you get up on your pedestal to like preach to me. Oh really.. come on .. :) haha.. funny funny.
These are the nights tho that I could stay up all night long just as long as I don't have to speak to you. Mainly because you make not a whole lot of sense. You think you do, but really .. ya you don't. You sound like and a$$. The problem about it is .. you don't remember it. You'll say you do, but the next time it happens, it's just a replica of what happened the first time, so doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But ya..
Well, that's it for me. I'm on to other things.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Why?
The one thing I really asked you of last night was to hold me while I cried. I needed to cry and I needed you there to hold me to say that everything is going to be fine. Instead, you just roll over and go to sleep. :/
I didn't think that was much to ask for .. to want for .. to help me. I'm terribly sad and you don't even notice. So when you say you care, how?? How do you care, you don't know you don't listen to me.. you have no idea what's going on.
Just sucks that a time that I really wanted you to just be there.. well you weren't. And say sorry all you want but guess what .. you weren't there. Can't take it back. Can't take back a lot of things.
Now I just wonder what to do today.
I didn't think that was much to ask for .. to want for .. to help me. I'm terribly sad and you don't even notice. So when you say you care, how?? How do you care, you don't know you don't listen to me.. you have no idea what's going on.
Just sucks that a time that I really wanted you to just be there.. well you weren't. And say sorry all you want but guess what .. you weren't there. Can't take it back. Can't take back a lot of things.
Now I just wonder what to do today.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Not Surprised
Haven't bothered with this.. so I noticed. Eventho I asked you about it. Eventho I told you how important it was to me, you never fail me on that.
Yes you had been helping out more around the house. When I was sick. Or not really being able to do it because it hurt. But now, you've already started to go back exactly how you were. You don't help out and I'm just alone. Sure your working late this week for until however long, but you did start this before then.
So, I don't know maybe I should just give up :/
Yes you had been helping out more around the house. When I was sick. Or not really being able to do it because it hurt. But now, you've already started to go back exactly how you were. You don't help out and I'm just alone. Sure your working late this week for until however long, but you did start this before then.
So, I don't know maybe I should just give up :/
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Been awhile huh
Been more then awhile for you then me. I've thought about writting before many times, but have logged onto yours to see that you didn't give a damn, so obviously why waste my time on you!?
Still haven't figured out the answer to that question yet. Maybe because I so desperately want to answer that question in a way that I'm not so sure is what I want to face. I want to keep my blinders on and pretend that it's something that perhaps it's not.
For 9 yrs I've asked .. I've requested.. I've threaten .. I've cried and begged
Do you get that?? Do you really understand that?!
Yet you get to go up on your hindhorse and act like you are well some kind of dream. That here what you've done is like water under the bridge. I just need to move on with it forget about it? I'm sure you'd be saying no that's not what I'm saying at all. Well it's what you do tho. You sit there and say I can't change it .. blah blah. God I wish I could change things. And not even necessarily saying change marrying you but the way I treated you..
It's like I gave you the frickin red carpet.. you didn't deserve that! You completely showed your colors on why you didn't deserve that. Yet I'm supposed to have to do this or that.. here I'll give a simple example..
Right now, it's almost 11 p.m. Yes you haven't said anything right now because you know that I'll frickin flip out, but in the past your like asking me to let you sleep. Yet it's funny because before when I was trying to sleep or not .. you didn't give a damn!
I know right now tho, I can't forgive something that you have never truly been sorry for. You were able to sweep it all under the rug like it never happened. Ya maybe you dealt with some of my sh*t throughout the time, but nothing like you should have.
If you compare all that you done to me and what I have to you.. I got the sh*t end of the stick. I'm the one that got kicked out of the house. I had bruises on me a lot earlier then you ever got socked in the face and oh lets recall me going to jail because you shoved me across the floor and in my eyes I stood my ground and up for myself saying you can't treat me that way. But you go and play 'victim' game with everyone. And then I'm supposed to feel sorry and upset or badly for you?? Hello!!!!! How about all the crap you have put me thru???
It's always been about you, it really has. And then you wonder why I dispise your mother so much. Just like always, when we argue/fight you want to hug or whatever .. even if it's not even thru the discussion you want to pretend that everything is hunky dory and when I refuse to do so you get pissed. Well I'm tired of always having to hold your hand while you place another bullsh*t line to me about how your going to change or do differently. And frankly I'm tired of hugging like everything is okay when it's not. But hey since you want to it's supposed to be that way. Well not anymore.. at least for me. I'm standing my grounds that I'm not just going to hug you because you want to feel better in the moment, cause that hug doesn't do anything for me except make me kind of hate you just that much more. That you are making it completely about your feelings alone and not considering anyone else.
Really not even sure why I'm wasting my time here either. Cuz god knows your won't put your effort into any of this.. history repeats itself! Not sure why I keep thinking it'll change.
Still haven't figured out the answer to that question yet. Maybe because I so desperately want to answer that question in a way that I'm not so sure is what I want to face. I want to keep my blinders on and pretend that it's something that perhaps it's not.
For 9 yrs I've asked .. I've requested.. I've threaten .. I've cried and begged
Do you get that?? Do you really understand that?!
Yet you get to go up on your hindhorse and act like you are well some kind of dream. That here what you've done is like water under the bridge. I just need to move on with it forget about it? I'm sure you'd be saying no that's not what I'm saying at all. Well it's what you do tho. You sit there and say I can't change it .. blah blah. God I wish I could change things. And not even necessarily saying change marrying you but the way I treated you..
It's like I gave you the frickin red carpet.. you didn't deserve that! You completely showed your colors on why you didn't deserve that. Yet I'm supposed to have to do this or that.. here I'll give a simple example..
Right now, it's almost 11 p.m. Yes you haven't said anything right now because you know that I'll frickin flip out, but in the past your like asking me to let you sleep. Yet it's funny because before when I was trying to sleep or not .. you didn't give a damn!
I know right now tho, I can't forgive something that you have never truly been sorry for. You were able to sweep it all under the rug like it never happened. Ya maybe you dealt with some of my sh*t throughout the time, but nothing like you should have.
If you compare all that you done to me and what I have to you.. I got the sh*t end of the stick. I'm the one that got kicked out of the house. I had bruises on me a lot earlier then you ever got socked in the face and oh lets recall me going to jail because you shoved me across the floor and in my eyes I stood my ground and up for myself saying you can't treat me that way. But you go and play 'victim' game with everyone. And then I'm supposed to feel sorry and upset or badly for you?? Hello!!!!! How about all the crap you have put me thru???
It's always been about you, it really has. And then you wonder why I dispise your mother so much. Just like always, when we argue/fight you want to hug or whatever .. even if it's not even thru the discussion you want to pretend that everything is hunky dory and when I refuse to do so you get pissed. Well I'm tired of always having to hold your hand while you place another bullsh*t line to me about how your going to change or do differently. And frankly I'm tired of hugging like everything is okay when it's not. But hey since you want to it's supposed to be that way. Well not anymore.. at least for me. I'm standing my grounds that I'm not just going to hug you because you want to feel better in the moment, cause that hug doesn't do anything for me except make me kind of hate you just that much more. That you are making it completely about your feelings alone and not considering anyone else.
Really not even sure why I'm wasting my time here either. Cuz god knows your won't put your effort into any of this.. history repeats itself! Not sure why I keep thinking it'll change.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Believing
I want to believe you. I want to trust you. But I'm also trying to protect myself.
Every other time that I let you thru you took that opening to just throw it all in my face and show me that I shouldn't of let you in. And when it really comes down to it .. it's my fault.
Granted we haven't argued or anything for awhile now. I think close to 3 months, when considering it was about every 2 weeks.. 3 months is like a life time hah. I just don't know if I trust that you say it's not going to happen .. that it's over and we are actually going to move forward together.
Then there comes the factor of what I do to myself and what is going on with me. I've chosen my path but I am upset with all that have been apart of it to like aid me into my thoughts and actions. I shouldn't blame anyone because I could have chosen to do something else, it was just easier to do what I have done.
Now, something is wrong because of it. And I do feel alone and scared and really humiliated. I feel really disgusting! Sometimes I wonder how things would have gone if 9 yrs ago .. well if you would have just treated me as the person that I thought I was. Really the person I am.
And lets get it straight just because. I am a opinionated, stubborn, .. I believe I am strong but who knows. But I am also a kind person that genuinely feels for others. I'm not sure why I can see someone who I don't know and feel bad or upset for them. Or that I can see someone smile and it makes me feel good that they are happy in that moment. I wear my emotions on my sleeves. I am also tho on the other hand always cautious of what others are thinking and saying.
I've always tried to not be too selfish. And then this year I decided I was going to take for once .. Not just only to get thru Ed but to show you what you've done to me and how selfish you had been. All that it seemed to get me was into trouble. Then now I'm having to deal with this health issue which I don't know what it is and I absolutely hate it!
I thought this morning that I need to write the boys a letter each just in case. Which I will probably do. I need them to know things. Not between you and I, but just me and how I feel in case I can't say it. Cause right now there's no way that I could say it, they wouldn't understand. I just don't know if it would be good for them or not. I'm worried and in my own mind.
Like I say I guess time will only tell.
Every other time that I let you thru you took that opening to just throw it all in my face and show me that I shouldn't of let you in. And when it really comes down to it .. it's my fault.
Granted we haven't argued or anything for awhile now. I think close to 3 months, when considering it was about every 2 weeks.. 3 months is like a life time hah. I just don't know if I trust that you say it's not going to happen .. that it's over and we are actually going to move forward together.
Then there comes the factor of what I do to myself and what is going on with me. I've chosen my path but I am upset with all that have been apart of it to like aid me into my thoughts and actions. I shouldn't blame anyone because I could have chosen to do something else, it was just easier to do what I have done.
Now, something is wrong because of it. And I do feel alone and scared and really humiliated. I feel really disgusting! Sometimes I wonder how things would have gone if 9 yrs ago .. well if you would have just treated me as the person that I thought I was. Really the person I am.
And lets get it straight just because. I am a opinionated, stubborn, .. I believe I am strong but who knows. But I am also a kind person that genuinely feels for others. I'm not sure why I can see someone who I don't know and feel bad or upset for them. Or that I can see someone smile and it makes me feel good that they are happy in that moment. I wear my emotions on my sleeves. I am also tho on the other hand always cautious of what others are thinking and saying.
I've always tried to not be too selfish. And then this year I decided I was going to take for once .. Not just only to get thru Ed but to show you what you've done to me and how selfish you had been. All that it seemed to get me was into trouble. Then now I'm having to deal with this health issue which I don't know what it is and I absolutely hate it!
I thought this morning that I need to write the boys a letter each just in case. Which I will probably do. I need them to know things. Not between you and I, but just me and how I feel in case I can't say it. Cause right now there's no way that I could say it, they wouldn't understand. I just don't know if it would be good for them or not. I'm worried and in my own mind.
Like I say I guess time will only tell.
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