Believing

I want to believe you. I want to trust you. But I'm also trying to protect myself.

Every other time that I let you thru you took that opening to just throw it all in my face and show me that I shouldn't of let you in. And when it really comes down to it .. it's my fault.

Granted we haven't argued or anything for awhile now. I think close to 3 months, when considering it was about every 2 weeks.. 3 months is like a life time hah. I just don't know if I trust that you say it's not going to happen .. that it's over and we are actually going to move forward together.

Then there comes the factor of what I do to myself and what is going on with me. I've chosen my path but I am upset with all that have been apart of it to like aid me into my thoughts and actions. I shouldn't blame anyone because I could have chosen to do something else, it was just easier to do what I have done.

Now, something is wrong because of it. And I do feel alone and scared and really humiliated. I feel really disgusting! Sometimes I wonder how things would have gone if 9 yrs ago .. well if you would have just treated me as the person that I thought I was. Really the person I am.

And lets get it straight just because. I am a opinionated, stubborn, .. I believe I am strong but who knows. But I am also a kind person that genuinely feels for others. I'm not sure why I can see someone who I don't know and feel bad or upset for them. Or that I can see someone smile and it makes me feel good that they are happy in that moment. I wear my emotions on my sleeves. I am also tho on the other hand always cautious of what others are thinking and saying.

I've always tried to not be too selfish. And then this year I decided I was going to take for once .. Not just only to get thru Ed but to show you what you've done to me and how selfish you had been. All that it seemed to get me was into trouble. Then now I'm having to deal with this health issue which I don't know what it is and I absolutely hate it!

I thought this morning that I need to write the boys a letter each just in case. Which I will probably do. I need them to know things. Not between you and I, but just me and how I feel in case I can't say it. Cause right now there's no way that I could say it, they wouldn't understand. I just don't know if it would be good for them or not. I'm worried and in my own mind.

Like I say I guess time will only tell.