Been more then awhile for you then me. I've thought about writting before many times, but have logged onto yours to see that you didn't give a damn, so obviously why waste my time on you!?
Still haven't figured out the answer to that question yet. Maybe because I so desperately want to answer that question in a way that I'm not so sure is what I want to face. I want to keep my blinders on and pretend that it's something that perhaps it's not.
For 9 yrs I've asked .. I've requested.. I've threaten .. I've cried and begged
Do you get that?? Do you really understand that?!
Yet you get to go up on your hindhorse and act like you are well some kind of dream. That here what you've done is like water under the bridge. I just need to move on with it forget about it? I'm sure you'd be saying no that's not what I'm saying at all. Well it's what you do tho. You sit there and say I can't change it .. blah blah. God I wish I could change things. And not even necessarily saying change marrying you but the way I treated you..
It's like I gave you the frickin red carpet.. you didn't deserve that! You completely showed your colors on why you didn't deserve that. Yet I'm supposed to have to do this or that.. here I'll give a simple example..
Right now, it's almost 11 p.m. Yes you haven't said anything right now because you know that I'll frickin flip out, but in the past your like asking me to let you sleep. Yet it's funny because before when I was trying to sleep or not .. you didn't give a damn!
I know right now tho, I can't forgive something that you have never truly been sorry for. You were able to sweep it all under the rug like it never happened. Ya maybe you dealt with some of my sh*t throughout the time, but nothing like you should have.
If you compare all that you done to me and what I have to you.. I got the sh*t end of the stick. I'm the one that got kicked out of the house. I had bruises on me a lot earlier then you ever got socked in the face and oh lets recall me going to jail because you shoved me across the floor and in my eyes I stood my ground and up for myself saying you can't treat me that way. But you go and play 'victim' game with everyone. And then I'm supposed to feel sorry and upset or badly for you?? Hello!!!!! How about all the crap you have put me thru???
It's always been about you, it really has. And then you wonder why I dispise your mother so much. Just like always, when we argue/fight you want to hug or whatever .. even if it's not even thru the discussion you want to pretend that everything is hunky dory and when I refuse to do so you get pissed. Well I'm tired of always having to hold your hand while you place another bullsh*t line to me about how your going to change or do differently. And frankly I'm tired of hugging like everything is okay when it's not. But hey since you want to it's supposed to be that way. Well not anymore.. at least for me. I'm standing my grounds that I'm not just going to hug you because you want to feel better in the moment, cause that hug doesn't do anything for me except make me kind of hate you just that much more. That you are making it completely about your feelings alone and not considering anyone else.
Really not even sure why I'm wasting my time here either. Cuz god knows your won't put your effort into any of this.. history repeats itself! Not sure why I keep thinking it'll change.
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