I was upset

I was pissed tonight.. .. well my pissed is more of a hurt but it's still pissed.

I looked back on things and I didn't like it.

Then.. well the possibility that something happened to you. That destroyed me! I hate you at times.. a lot of times .. mainly because I don't think you understand how much I love you .. how much I have thought about you, how I have thought of our lives together. I just don't think you get that.

But the fact that your boss called tonight to find out if you got home, that scared me. Scared me more then I think you would know. I was waiting for the words.. the ones you never want to hear.

I didn't know what to say. I was opposite speak less.. which we know I I'm not:) I wanted to cry. I was scared shitless. I felt like I would have to make decisions that I would never would make in my life.. well that I would rather not to make in my life.

You don't get it sometimes..

Most times you don't. I don't understand why you don't. I just don't get it...

Right now, I am tired and am worried. Until I hear you come thru that door I feel helpless. And I wished you would have felt that way about me for the last 9 years. .. even more then that.. but just wished that you'd give me that respect as well. That I was that much important to you. That you cared that much about me as well.