Am I the Idiot?

I like that the title of this is a way we thought we could reconnect.. who's the fool? ME!

Guess it was just me that cared about having our marriage work. To accept that I do things wrong as well. Instead all it's showing me is how I'm stupid to think and believe that you actually would want to spend the rest of your life with me.

I get to say that because if it was as important as it should be you would see how close it is to ending. And I'm pissed at you for that.

I'm pissed because not only did I waste 9 yrs of my life with you, 9 years that I could never get back. 9 years that perhaps the guy that was supposed to be in my life walked right on by and I'll never see them again. That in those 9 years you have gotten me to scream and yell and cry over you and the way you treat me. That for 9 years I've begged you to see me for the inside that I am. That I can and will be a bitch, but I have so much to offer. So much that you have taken for granted. So much that you haven't appreciated. That in those 9 years I gave you 2 beautiful boys. And you have always and continue to just be selfish.

And now, now what happens? If I do walk away, it's going to be a huge fight. You'll throw every nasty thing in my face. You'll fight to have the kids, eventho you know that I'm the better person for them to be around, you still will try to take them. You might get them to. Mainly because over the years I've slowly deteriorated, and eventho you've helped put me in that way, you wouldn't dare take any credit for it.

The person I was when we met, I was happy with Brayden and I. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't of signed up for it.  Even being alone and just having a toddler and having heartache with the guys that I did try to have a relationship, I still was much stronger. I was happy. I was calm. I felt appreciated.

That's where the idiot part comes in. I am the idiot. I allowed you to treat me the way you did. I am the idiot that kept saying you would open your eyes and see what was in front of you. I allowed you to lie to me, to promise me one thing or another, to give you the pass here and there because you were like I didn't know. I am the idiot!

It's taken me 9 yrs to slowly open my eyes. But I am opening them. That's what you don't see. I guess you will when I'm gone.