Decisions

Not sure what to do..

After last night I'm now leaning closer to that we have to separate.That we will get a divorce. And to you it doesn't seem to matter.

You just keep doing what you always do and you don't even care about changing or figuring things out in our relationship. It's been years and you just do what you want to do. You don't care. You say you do .. but hey walk the walk .. don't talk the talk.

I just find you to be full of so much bullshit that it's ridiculous! You sit there and say you doing this or  that.. what to do and yet you don't do either.  Your constantly saying that your going to change, that your going to do something and yet you never do. I don't even know why I even give you an ounce of my thoughts to think that you actually will hold to your word for once. You never do.

The hardest problem that I have of walking away from our marriage is a few things.

1. I made a promise before God.

2. I spent 9 yrs of my life with you. Is it to be a waste? Because walking away is meaning that 9 yrs I wasted my life away when I could have been doing something else. 9 fricking ass yrs. 9. That's a lot in my eyes anyways.

3. My kids. I don't know how I could explain anything to them. Plus too considering I know exactly how you would play it out. I know how you would be and you would be so selfish that you would never put them before your feelings. Instead you would if anything make them suffer and be in the middle.

That's probably why I stay. I don't need them to be in the middle like you continue to put them. I've never done what you have done. Because you are a selfish self-involved person. You are your parents child. Both of them were selfish and you are the product of it. You sit there and try to put yourself up on this pedestal that your not like them.. well I don't know what they were like then.. but your pretty fucking bad.  And to even compare me with my eating disorder or drinking is ridiculous! Im always thinking of my kids. I might not do the right thing all the time, but how many times did you run them to the hospital??? Huh??? None.. ya it was always me.. so you could sleep. Your baby was dying and I was by myself at the ER with him.. nice ..

4. I'm scared. I don't know how I could support and raise the kids. Along with the fight that I would have to handle. (with you that is) How to explain it to Brayd that I fucked up again.. and again he doesn't have a dad. He'll hate me.

5. I'm 31. I feel like I'm done. I will be alone for the rest of my life. And I do fear that. I don't want to be alone. It makes me sad.. but it at the same time seems like I won't have the choice. I either live killing myself or I leave this if you don't want to change.

I don't know .. I need to really think things thru. And I'm going to. I just fear the outcome I come to.