Coming Home

I know you know everything that happened while I was up with my family. Not my best time. Should have figured considering how I felt the year before that. I'm starting to think that just having the distance is actually better. Maybe.

Here's the thing tho. I did want you to be there because of them coming at me all at once. You wouldn't of been in the room but you would have been there after which I would have appreciated to have someone on my side about this subject. Just wished they'd be a bit more supportive and understanding then acting like they know it all and know exactly what I should do.

But coming home yesterday and you were so excited to see me. I'm not sure what to think of that. It was nice to see the boys so happy to see you .. that was cute. Just I feel like I'm pretty sure you were just fine with me gone and you were putting on this persona that you missed me. That you actually missed me.

I know you say that your going to get my trust back and your going to show me, but you've said that before. Not sure anymore. How many chances are too many chances ?? It just would have been nice to believe that you missed me.

Trust

I'm not quite sure if you know how long it is going to take to truly gain my trust back. Even though you seem to think you 'know me'. I'm not sure you do.

This year has been very hard for me. I'm not saying I'm innocent at times, but there were a lot of times that I really wasn't doing anything and you would just poke at me. It was like why do you have to keep doing this. You did back me up into a corner and I felt like I had to fight my way out. Only problem was I was the one that got the blame for it.

It's a bit .. well curious that my family really didn't blame me. Specially my mother. She would have always said I should have done this or that, but nothing. I get that families stick together and support each other and what not but my mom has not done that so much for me. And you know that. Annnnndddd.. You lucked out with my brother when he was here cause he would have pretty much killed ya.

I'm proud of my family. I love my family. We can fight or argue and still be close right after. My mom it's been a work in progress. But we were brought up right. And I do regret moving here because of that. That your family isn't a family and I've tried my best to get things more together but no one is willing to put in the effort and when you only have one person doing it it's pretty difficult.

I don't know what your thoughts on trust. And how fast you then trust someone. Me I will constantly look for those red flags that give me a heads up. It is humorous to me that when you lied I was able to call you out on it, even when you kept trying to deny it. I'm not an idiot. And really .. I'm a much better liar :) Maybe not so much anymore because I don't want to be that person and I think it's respectable to tell the truth. I believe lying to someone is being a coward and I don't want to be a hypocrite but I can completely call someone out on their lies .. you can see it. It's not that hard.

That's probably why I'll have such a hard time trusting you again. I look at you and I don't believe it. I believe it's just another lie.

Shrug

I hate giving you my trust again. I don't even think you realize that. You think you have it and that it's no big deal, well it is to me. If I get hurt again.. which I mean I get I will get hurt but hoping I don't get hurt the way I had in the past. It's just if I do get hurt like that I just really don't know what it'll do to me.

That's what I can't get over right now. I gave you all of me .. my honesty my openest my family .. and you just looked at it all and crumpled it up and threw it like it was garbage. And yet then you would ask for another chance. Obviously I've always given it as well.

The problem is, I am the one getting like ALL the blame for it. You got a pass and here I am getting everything put on me. It's all my fault. I do know my family doesn't believe that. I only wished I was wish my family at this moment. That we lived back home. My family might have arguments and we might have the whole Telephone game going on, it's just the difference of We are ALWAYS there for one another. I don't trust your family at all. They seem to support the idea of out for yourself type of idea. And that's just not what I am about.

And I do miss feeling like you love me. It's almost become this type of roommate situation .. cept we for the most part sleep in the same bed. Other then that.. ??

I do care about you a lot. I believe that obvious in what I have done. (not the punch or the throwing of the phone), but just that I've stood by your side. I have fought for you. Just wished you would do the same for me, and your really not. Your just sitting by and letting it continue to take place. As soon as Casey said shit about you I freaked out, because as far as I'm concerned no one is going to talk about or to you like that. Well only me hah! But I really just wished you would do the same for me, specially when it's coming to your mom or your sister saying things. Instead I'm sitting there wondering what to do. Only because it's family, it's your family and how do I say something that wouldn't affect you and then it would cause problems between us. Haha.. that's funny cause I guess I should have just said something considering it is also causing problems between us now.

Anyways, my point is that I don't know how to feel like you have my back. Or that your not that like strong building that is going to stand strong for me. Make sure that I'm protected as well as your children. All I know is right now I have to be that.

Vaca

So am I excited for vaca I'm super excited! I am ready to lay back and relax and not have anything going on.

You keep promising that things are different and only time will tell ... it hasn't told much as of now. I don't trust you. I wished I did but you took too much from me for me to exactly believe.. I want to but I'm holding myself back .. I am not sure why I have given you so many passes yet I have.. I did what I did. I have to hold to that. And I will take it.

I hope that this weekend goes well, that we will go well, I hope so. I shake my head back and forth on if it actually will happen.. I guess.. time will tell. Just how much time do I give is the question. ?!

Who Knows

The one thing I know, is if this time you f*ck up .. I am really thinking I need to walk away.

Mainly because you are building me up right now and making it seem like you do care and that you understand how close it is to me being gone. That you don't want that so you are trying to keep this family together. If you fail at that, well I don't know why I should stay.

I don't want to be my mother, being angry and hurtful to others, everyone actually for that fact. I don't want to be my dad living in an environment where he just isn't happy either. They are both just sad and upset. I would like to believe it's because they didn't communicate, but who knows .. really.

All I know in our relationship is I haven't been the best. I do remember being happy. I remember believing what you told me. And then because of my Ed I blamed myself for everything that ending up turning up. All the lies were some how in some way my fault. Then this past year with what's gone on, the fact that I was you know where and you tell me it was my fault and I deserved it. I don't think I'll ever forgive you for that. Well no, I will forgive, but I will never forget that feeling. How you hurt me.

Song I'm listening to there's this one part that goes, Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over, why'd I've believe in it was always something I've done.

I just question your authenticity on how you actually think of me. If you really are willing to work for us. If you truly love me. If you actually want to live to the end of days with me. If you care that tomorrow I could be dead. And my whole thought process now is that I have to give it a bit of time, but not a whole lot of time. You have your chance I guess is what I'm saying. I'm not dumb either and think that we wouldn't have another argument or whatever, but it needs to be done the way that I was having to address it.

And I do say me yes, but only because you wouldn't listen and would blow everything off.  All that mattered was you! I don't even know how you could sit here and watch what I'm doing to myself and be okay with it.. not necessarily okay but okay in the matter that you just sat there and knew how ppl where hurting me. Some of them your family and just saying oh well. Oh well wasn't good enough for me. I moved because you said this and that getting it from your family! Then I get treated that way??? Come on now!

Well, done for now, hope we figure things out.

Fingers Crossed

I'm really hoping that things are changing. I'm begging and praying that things are changing. I'm hesitant when you say it. I want to believe you, but believing in you in the past just slapped me in the face. And I really don't need that again. I really don't!

I repeat myself a lot. I'll admit it. But I also don't think you understand why. It's like the first time you don't listen, the second time it might be a word or two getting thru .. I keep saying it so you can feel what you did. How it impacted me. And then I wonder if you actually care. 

Just wished 9 years ago you would of fought. But I guess it's never TOO late ?!? I hope it's never too late anyways. But what I hope for and what happens, well it seems to never happen. I keep praying that it will, only time will tell.

I guess, I just don't think you know what you could be losing at times. That I am some how, which way or another never going to walk away. And I might not walk, I just might be gone. Then what? Where does that leave you?? Have you even thought about that? Oh well.

I really truly hope that you are going to be the man that I thought I was marrying.

I was upset

I was pissed tonight.. .. well my pissed is more of a hurt but it's still pissed.

I looked back on things and I didn't like it.

Then.. well the possibility that something happened to you. That destroyed me! I hate you at times.. a lot of times .. mainly because I don't think you understand how much I love you .. how much I have thought about you, how I have thought of our lives together. I just don't think you get that.

But the fact that your boss called tonight to find out if you got home, that scared me. Scared me more then I think you would know. I was waiting for the words.. the ones you never want to hear.

I didn't know what to say. I was opposite speak less.. which we know I I'm not:) I wanted to cry. I was scared shitless. I felt like I would have to make decisions that I would never would make in my life.. well that I would rather not to make in my life.

You don't get it sometimes..

Most times you don't. I don't understand why you don't. I just don't get it...

Right now, I am tired and am worried. Until I hear you come thru that door I feel helpless. And I wished you would have felt that way about me for the last 9 years. .. even more then that.. but just wished that you'd give me that respect as well. That I was that much important to you. That you cared that much about me as well.

The "new" person

Or I guess I should say what you say is that your trying to change..

I'm hesitant on this. And actually hesitant is a light word to use. You've promised me before. I've been told sorry way too many times. I've been told it's Me that's the problem. And I hold to what I have done.

God I didn't have to tell you about Derrick. And we didn't even do anything. I felt guilty because I flirted with him and actually liked that someone was giving me attention .. it felt good to have someone to actually like me. Then I went and told you when I didn't have to. I could have gone on doing whatever without being honest but instead all it did was get me into a whole lot of mess that is still getting brought up. Yes not by you, but by your family because you had to go running to your mommy. Well, how about you go running to her about all the shit you have done to me that .. well I have still brought up (mainly because you keep it up), but I mean you never cared about me. It's always been you, and you play like you are innocent and this perfect lovely husband. That you do all this stuff for me, well you do do stuff .. just not what should be being done.

And it's embarrassing that Matt is willing to do something about it.

Just wished you would get it! Wished you would look in my eyes and see .. the light is going out. And I don't know how to get myself back to the person I was. I look at pictures and it just makes me upset because I want to go back to that person, but going back to that person means so much change. I guess maybe that's the change that might need to be.

It'll be hard, it'll be a fight I know. Not just with you, but with the kids. The explanations, to them which I'll try to be as upfront as possible in what they would need to hear, but then to family, to friends, to ppl I don't really even know. Cause we both know I would go to Philip and the talk there is not quite and I wouldn't be at this point ready to handle that without flipping out. So I feel absolutely stuck and sad.

I pray and I hope it changes. Otherwise I honestly, well.. one way or another I'll be gone.