Why am I not surprised?! You are a fucker are you not!!! Def. not a question but a statement!
It's becoming useless. There is no way of getting thru to you.. Your a fucking ahole!
how is it that you ask if I'm actually going to sleep in the bed that OH I BOUGHT! NOT YOU! .. considering most of the shit we have is because of me. And then to find out that you lock me out of the room..
Well I'll be sleeping again on the couch. I shouldn't ever be surprised by you anymore. Your just plain an ass!
Friday, June 29, 2012
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Am I the Idiot?
I like that the title of this is a way we thought we could reconnect.. who's the fool? ME!
Guess it was just me that cared about having our marriage work. To accept that I do things wrong as well. Instead all it's showing me is how I'm stupid to think and believe that you actually would want to spend the rest of your life with me.
I get to say that because if it was as important as it should be you would see how close it is to ending. And I'm pissed at you for that.
I'm pissed because not only did I waste 9 yrs of my life with you, 9 years that I could never get back. 9 years that perhaps the guy that was supposed to be in my life walked right on by and I'll never see them again. That in those 9 years you have gotten me to scream and yell and cry over you and the way you treat me. That for 9 years I've begged you to see me for the inside that I am. That I can and will be a bitch, but I have so much to offer. So much that you have taken for granted. So much that you haven't appreciated. That in those 9 years I gave you 2 beautiful boys. And you have always and continue to just be selfish.
And now, now what happens? If I do walk away, it's going to be a huge fight. You'll throw every nasty thing in my face. You'll fight to have the kids, eventho you know that I'm the better person for them to be around, you still will try to take them. You might get them to. Mainly because over the years I've slowly deteriorated, and eventho you've helped put me in that way, you wouldn't dare take any credit for it.
The person I was when we met, I was happy with Brayden and I. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't of signed up for it. Even being alone and just having a toddler and having heartache with the guys that I did try to have a relationship, I still was much stronger. I was happy. I was calm. I felt appreciated.
That's where the idiot part comes in. I am the idiot. I allowed you to treat me the way you did. I am the idiot that kept saying you would open your eyes and see what was in front of you. I allowed you to lie to me, to promise me one thing or another, to give you the pass here and there because you were like I didn't know. I am the idiot!
It's taken me 9 yrs to slowly open my eyes. But I am opening them. That's what you don't see. I guess you will when I'm gone.
Guess it was just me that cared about having our marriage work. To accept that I do things wrong as well. Instead all it's showing me is how I'm stupid to think and believe that you actually would want to spend the rest of your life with me.
I get to say that because if it was as important as it should be you would see how close it is to ending. And I'm pissed at you for that.
I'm pissed because not only did I waste 9 yrs of my life with you, 9 years that I could never get back. 9 years that perhaps the guy that was supposed to be in my life walked right on by and I'll never see them again. That in those 9 years you have gotten me to scream and yell and cry over you and the way you treat me. That for 9 years I've begged you to see me for the inside that I am. That I can and will be a bitch, but I have so much to offer. So much that you have taken for granted. So much that you haven't appreciated. That in those 9 years I gave you 2 beautiful boys. And you have always and continue to just be selfish.
And now, now what happens? If I do walk away, it's going to be a huge fight. You'll throw every nasty thing in my face. You'll fight to have the kids, eventho you know that I'm the better person for them to be around, you still will try to take them. You might get them to. Mainly because over the years I've slowly deteriorated, and eventho you've helped put me in that way, you wouldn't dare take any credit for it.
The person I was when we met, I was happy with Brayden and I. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't of signed up for it. Even being alone and just having a toddler and having heartache with the guys that I did try to have a relationship, I still was much stronger. I was happy. I was calm. I felt appreciated.
That's where the idiot part comes in. I am the idiot. I allowed you to treat me the way you did. I am the idiot that kept saying you would open your eyes and see what was in front of you. I allowed you to lie to me, to promise me one thing or another, to give you the pass here and there because you were like I didn't know. I am the idiot!
It's taken me 9 yrs to slowly open my eyes. But I am opening them. That's what you don't see. I guess you will when I'm gone.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Decisions
Not sure what to do..
After last night I'm now leaning closer to that we have to separate.That we will get a divorce. And to you it doesn't seem to matter.
You just keep doing what you always do and you don't even care about changing or figuring things out in our relationship. It's been years and you just do what you want to do. You don't care. You say you do .. but hey walk the walk .. don't talk the talk.
I just find you to be full of so much bullshit that it's ridiculous! You sit there and say you doing this or that.. what to do and yet you don't do either. Your constantly saying that your going to change, that your going to do something and yet you never do. I don't even know why I even give you an ounce of my thoughts to think that you actually will hold to your word for once. You never do.
The hardest problem that I have of walking away from our marriage is a few things.
1. I made a promise before God.
2. I spent 9 yrs of my life with you. Is it to be a waste? Because walking away is meaning that 9 yrs I wasted my life away when I could have been doing something else. 9 fricking ass yrs. 9. That's a lot in my eyes anyways.
3. My kids. I don't know how I could explain anything to them. Plus too considering I know exactly how you would play it out. I know how you would be and you would be so selfish that you would never put them before your feelings. Instead you would if anything make them suffer and be in the middle.
That's probably why I stay. I don't need them to be in the middle like you continue to put them. I've never done what you have done. Because you are a selfish self-involved person. You are your parents child. Both of them were selfish and you are the product of it. You sit there and try to put yourself up on this pedestal that your not like them.. well I don't know what they were like then.. but your pretty fucking bad. And to even compare me with my eating disorder or drinking is ridiculous! Im always thinking of my kids. I might not do the right thing all the time, but how many times did you run them to the hospital??? Huh??? None.. ya it was always me.. so you could sleep. Your baby was dying and I was by myself at the ER with him.. nice ..
4. I'm scared. I don't know how I could support and raise the kids. Along with the fight that I would have to handle. (with you that is) How to explain it to Brayd that I fucked up again.. and again he doesn't have a dad. He'll hate me.
5. I'm 31. I feel like I'm done. I will be alone for the rest of my life. And I do fear that. I don't want to be alone. It makes me sad.. but it at the same time seems like I won't have the choice. I either live killing myself or I leave this if you don't want to change.
I don't know .. I need to really think things thru. And I'm going to. I just fear the outcome I come to.
After last night I'm now leaning closer to that we have to separate.That we will get a divorce. And to you it doesn't seem to matter.
You just keep doing what you always do and you don't even care about changing or figuring things out in our relationship. It's been years and you just do what you want to do. You don't care. You say you do .. but hey walk the walk .. don't talk the talk.
I just find you to be full of so much bullshit that it's ridiculous! You sit there and say you doing this or that.. what to do and yet you don't do either. Your constantly saying that your going to change, that your going to do something and yet you never do. I don't even know why I even give you an ounce of my thoughts to think that you actually will hold to your word for once. You never do.
The hardest problem that I have of walking away from our marriage is a few things.
1. I made a promise before God.
2. I spent 9 yrs of my life with you. Is it to be a waste? Because walking away is meaning that 9 yrs I wasted my life away when I could have been doing something else. 9 fricking ass yrs. 9. That's a lot in my eyes anyways.
3. My kids. I don't know how I could explain anything to them. Plus too considering I know exactly how you would play it out. I know how you would be and you would be so selfish that you would never put them before your feelings. Instead you would if anything make them suffer and be in the middle.
That's probably why I stay. I don't need them to be in the middle like you continue to put them. I've never done what you have done. Because you are a selfish self-involved person. You are your parents child. Both of them were selfish and you are the product of it. You sit there and try to put yourself up on this pedestal that your not like them.. well I don't know what they were like then.. but your pretty fucking bad. And to even compare me with my eating disorder or drinking is ridiculous! Im always thinking of my kids. I might not do the right thing all the time, but how many times did you run them to the hospital??? Huh??? None.. ya it was always me.. so you could sleep. Your baby was dying and I was by myself at the ER with him.. nice ..
4. I'm scared. I don't know how I could support and raise the kids. Along with the fight that I would have to handle. (with you that is) How to explain it to Brayd that I fucked up again.. and again he doesn't have a dad. He'll hate me.
5. I'm 31. I feel like I'm done. I will be alone for the rest of my life. And I do fear that. I don't want to be alone. It makes me sad.. but it at the same time seems like I won't have the choice. I either live killing myself or I leave this if you don't want to change.
I don't know .. I need to really think things thru. And I'm going to. I just fear the outcome I come to.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
OMGosh!!
You wonder why I get upset?? You really have to wonder that? You can't look back and see?
So today, well first let me back it up to last night when your snoring and kicking me, and I was actually feeling well that I thought I could sleep. I would just about fall asleep and you'd do something.
Then this morning, first you wake up late for work, that was the reason why you called in, not because you didn't have anything to do for work. And I can guarantee that you completely forgot that you were to print off tickets for Brayds flight .. that's a given! Let's keep going. The one thing I hate in the mornings, is screaming and yelling, but no, not you .. you could careless and figure let's see how long I can get the kids to scream.. Sounds FUN!! NOT!
I get ready because I have errands to run and you then ask why I'm getting ready, then to ask where I was going. Umm.. hello you were sitting right there last night while I was having the discussion with the kids on what to eat for dinner and said I would have to go to the store then.
Best part is .. you have to go with. First, I'll start with you continued to pick on the kids, in which I'm not messing around. I want to get my shit done and back. I have other things to do as well. Second, every time we go all together to the store, my kids do not act the same as they do when you are with.
(just like I complained all those times about how they behaved in church differently with me alone then with you there as well. I always got compliments on how well behaved they were compared to how many compliments I got when you were along).
Anyways, then we get home and they ask for PB&J. What do you do?? Open up a bag of chips and start eating. You get the bread down which, then we needed to pull out another loaf, so I do that. Put it up on the stove. And you are just busy shoving your mouth full of chips. Nice!
So when I get pissed and decide that I'll just make the other two sandwiches, you said that I just pushed you out of the way. A.. no I didn't. You said I grabbed the bread right off the counter in front of you. I said it was on the damn stove, and you ya whatever. It's like don't go there you fucking idiot! That's just making you look more and more stupid.
Your like your on edge. Umm.. no shit. Because of your damn ass taking a day off for no damn good reason other then to be in my way and drive me frickin crazy!
My routines in the days when your at work, they work really well. And I've gotten to the point where I don't even care if you sleep in anymore, because you just ruin my routines. I don't know why I ever thought that you could help with the kids in the mornings because now I'm finding myself to be delusional.
Why can't you just grow the f*** up and finally start acting like a 35 yr old man and not a 8 yr old boy (maybe even younger). It's ridiculous!!!
So today, well first let me back it up to last night when your snoring and kicking me, and I was actually feeling well that I thought I could sleep. I would just about fall asleep and you'd do something.
Then this morning, first you wake up late for work, that was the reason why you called in, not because you didn't have anything to do for work. And I can guarantee that you completely forgot that you were to print off tickets for Brayds flight .. that's a given! Let's keep going. The one thing I hate in the mornings, is screaming and yelling, but no, not you .. you could careless and figure let's see how long I can get the kids to scream.. Sounds FUN!! NOT!
I get ready because I have errands to run and you then ask why I'm getting ready, then to ask where I was going. Umm.. hello you were sitting right there last night while I was having the discussion with the kids on what to eat for dinner and said I would have to go to the store then.
Best part is .. you have to go with. First, I'll start with you continued to pick on the kids, in which I'm not messing around. I want to get my shit done and back. I have other things to do as well. Second, every time we go all together to the store, my kids do not act the same as they do when you are with.
(just like I complained all those times about how they behaved in church differently with me alone then with you there as well. I always got compliments on how well behaved they were compared to how many compliments I got when you were along).
Anyways, then we get home and they ask for PB&J. What do you do?? Open up a bag of chips and start eating. You get the bread down which, then we needed to pull out another loaf, so I do that. Put it up on the stove. And you are just busy shoving your mouth full of chips. Nice!
So when I get pissed and decide that I'll just make the other two sandwiches, you said that I just pushed you out of the way. A.. no I didn't. You said I grabbed the bread right off the counter in front of you. I said it was on the damn stove, and you ya whatever. It's like don't go there you fucking idiot! That's just making you look more and more stupid.
Your like your on edge. Umm.. no shit. Because of your damn ass taking a day off for no damn good reason other then to be in my way and drive me frickin crazy!
My routines in the days when your at work, they work really well. And I've gotten to the point where I don't even care if you sleep in anymore, because you just ruin my routines. I don't know why I ever thought that you could help with the kids in the mornings because now I'm finding myself to be delusional.
Why can't you just grow the f*** up and finally start acting like a 35 yr old man and not a 8 yr old boy (maybe even younger). It's ridiculous!!!
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Different Day Same Ol Thing
I'm not sure what to do ..
One part of me thinks that we belong together because we pretty much understand each other. But the other part of me thinks that we are making each other worse people .. like we're fueling each other into destruction.
Like it makes me mad because I watch things or see other people together and I wonder why you don't treat me like that. I'm becoming so angry at you. I'm angry well hurt for all that you did, but now I'm becoming mad because your still being the person that you were/are. It doesn't feel like it's enough. And am I going to constantly say it's not enough?? Cause that's not fair. Just tired of feeling like I'm walked all over. That I can't do anything right. Well unless it's like cooking cause you do suck at that.
And I am torn. The one part of me goes you love him you want to be with him for the rest of your life. Plus too I took vows which are very important to me. I stood before my faith and God and promised to be there thru thick and thin. Then the other part of me is going I need to leave. I'm not getting any younger and if I would wait too long I'll be alone. I know that's not fair to say, it probably stings to see, I would be sad to hear if you would think like that. Idk
Right now, I'm waiting for that storm. It's coming .. I can feel it. It's been awhile, so it's close. And I don't know what will happen this time :(
One part of me thinks that we belong together because we pretty much understand each other. But the other part of me thinks that we are making each other worse people .. like we're fueling each other into destruction.
Like it makes me mad because I watch things or see other people together and I wonder why you don't treat me like that. I'm becoming so angry at you. I'm angry well hurt for all that you did, but now I'm becoming mad because your still being the person that you were/are. It doesn't feel like it's enough. And am I going to constantly say it's not enough?? Cause that's not fair. Just tired of feeling like I'm walked all over. That I can't do anything right. Well unless it's like cooking cause you do suck at that.
And I am torn. The one part of me goes you love him you want to be with him for the rest of your life. Plus too I took vows which are very important to me. I stood before my faith and God and promised to be there thru thick and thin. Then the other part of me is going I need to leave. I'm not getting any younger and if I would wait too long I'll be alone. I know that's not fair to say, it probably stings to see, I would be sad to hear if you would think like that. Idk
Right now, I'm waiting for that storm. It's coming .. I can feel it. It's been awhile, so it's close. And I don't know what will happen this time :(
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
LIAR
That's what you are are you not?!
It kills me how stupid you think I am. Cause really, it's just making you look more and more stupid. It's like every time I catch you in another lie, it almost makes me laugh and want to REALLY be a Bitch and say Good Damn you Dumb! Wouldn't you like to hear that??
The best of your lies are the ones that you say, I wasn't lying or trying to hide it. *laugh* a what? Really you just completely tried to hide it but because I found it, and not because I was searching either. But for you to be like all "oh" and that was it. It was just like hmm.. yep again. Again Again Again Again. Just like always with you.
Oh and stop talking like your actually changing. Or that you will actually do something different.
Gotta love it that here I'm the one who just about 99.9% of the time is always sticking up for my family and fighting for them. Whether is school or just so bogus thing like at the pool when ppl are moving our things. You just sit there and say how it's bullshit. Ya it's bullshit but I'm not going to sit there and take it either. Nor am I going to take it anymore from your mother.
That's another topic there your mother. Just a bit I'm going to go off, Love that for years I've asked for you to 'defend me' and you just sit back and do nothing. Yet your brother, in the first moment he defended his wife without even thinking. Gotta love it. You never stand up for me. Ever!
But I guess that would also tie into a lie. Because you made your vows to me and really I don't know if there's one word in them that was actually true. Or at least that you truly believed in keeping and fulfilling.
Instead it's just always about whatever makes you feel good. You are a very selfish person!
I know I'm selfish. Well, I would say at times I am. Other times I take a moment and think I should do this or that for someone else. You don't know how to do that. At least for me anyways. You'll do it for you mom, that left you with your dad .. who was never around and worthless, but you'll drop everything to help her. But me who's stuck by your side, ya who cares.. guess I'm trash.
It kills me how stupid you think I am. Cause really, it's just making you look more and more stupid. It's like every time I catch you in another lie, it almost makes me laugh and want to REALLY be a Bitch and say Good Damn you Dumb! Wouldn't you like to hear that??
The best of your lies are the ones that you say, I wasn't lying or trying to hide it. *laugh* a what? Really you just completely tried to hide it but because I found it, and not because I was searching either. But for you to be like all "oh" and that was it. It was just like hmm.. yep again. Again Again Again Again. Just like always with you.
Oh and stop talking like your actually changing. Or that you will actually do something different.
Gotta love it that here I'm the one who just about 99.9% of the time is always sticking up for my family and fighting for them. Whether is school or just so bogus thing like at the pool when ppl are moving our things. You just sit there and say how it's bullshit. Ya it's bullshit but I'm not going to sit there and take it either. Nor am I going to take it anymore from your mother.
That's another topic there your mother. Just a bit I'm going to go off, Love that for years I've asked for you to 'defend me' and you just sit back and do nothing. Yet your brother, in the first moment he defended his wife without even thinking. Gotta love it. You never stand up for me. Ever!
But I guess that would also tie into a lie. Because you made your vows to me and really I don't know if there's one word in them that was actually true. Or at least that you truly believed in keeping and fulfilling.
Instead it's just always about whatever makes you feel good. You are a very selfish person!
I know I'm selfish. Well, I would say at times I am. Other times I take a moment and think I should do this or that for someone else. You don't know how to do that. At least for me anyways. You'll do it for you mom, that left you with your dad .. who was never around and worthless, but you'll drop everything to help her. But me who's stuck by your side, ya who cares.. guess I'm trash.
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