Gave In

I always give in. Yes maybe things happened because of me. I so did not mean to cut your check open. I really didn't. I didn't even know that I was throwing it at your face. Your head was under the blanket, so I had no idea where I was throwing the damn phone. 

But with that, I'm the one that has to end up sacrificing for it. I really at times don't think you understand things. You sit there and act like a victim and act like 'poor me', and it pisses me off. It's like all the shit you put and are putting me thru doesn't matter because finally when it's coming back to you you think that you don't deserve it. It's frustrating!  

You've done so much to me that I have said Okay. I gave in. I said I would stand by because that's my belief. It's starting to get hard now tho. I don't know how much longer I can just Stand By. If you are not willing to put up and actually grow up and deal, well I don't know how I could just watch what I wanted in my life disappear.

I'm getting old. I don't have a lot of options. And it's not like I want a whole lot of opinions either, it's just I want to know that you are willing to put yourself out there as well instead of taking everything that I'm putting out there and crushing it. It's bullshit! I gave you everything and you have now taken it for granted and I'm really just done with it!

But to say the least, I did it again. Instead of leaving .. I stayed. I got to hear about all the shit I did, in which you don't even really apologize for all the SHIT you put me thru. It's like some reason you got a Bye on that but what I do now is like the HUGE thing. Funny how what the shit you pulled was okay but the fact that if I react like how you used to is okay but it's not okay for you. Your a frickin hypocrite!

I don't like you manipulating and making everyone feel SAD for you. I don't do that! I have never. Guess maybe I should! It's annoying that you get to sit there and make ppl think horrible things about me, when you are right there in the mix.. maybe even more?!


You should be thankful for one thing. And that one thing is that my parents taught me that once you take that vow you hold on your end of the bargain. I believe in my religion.. without that I'm pretty sure your ass would be on the street. 

Calm Before the Storm

That's my new saying .. well newish. Always have that calm.. and then something always happens. 

Problem now is not the fight, not what happened. Which I will say the cut under your eye, I threw the phone at you in which you were under the blanket so there was NO intent to hurt you in that way at all! I didn't even touch you at all the whole time, so when it happened and when I offered 3 different times to help and you were just being an ass well I can't say much more then that. 

I knew you would take my children. =/ I'm kinda figuring what's going to go on. I know you going to bring up all my bad things. Going to jail, drinking, having an eating disorder. Getting upset at things. I know your going to throw me under the bus so that I don't have my children. 

Just so you know .. just so maybe.. just MAYBE.. you get this. I had those babies in my belly. I felt them grow I felt them kick. I talked to them I held them before they were even in this world. I read to them I sung with them. I laughed at them when they kicked me. I put up with the pain in the labor room with them. I was awake while you slept and ate while I was in pain to bring them into this world. I tried everything to give them anything I could for them. 

But I get it, I know what you will do to me. I know your going to tear me from the inside out. And there's really nothing I can do. Cause I have been depressed and upset.. and that gives you the right to be the daddy of the year.. right!!! 

Eventho I was the one and am still the one waking up with them. Making them their meals. For god sakes you didn't even get them lunch today. But hey.. ya I got the memo.. It's ME!

You do a God Damn good job of manipulating ppl. That's for sure! You know exactly how to make ppl feel bad for you and think that you deserve it. Well, guess what.. YOU DON'T!!!! 

Now your just somebody that I used to know. 

I just don't know

I'm not going to publish everything. I don't want to do that to you.

I just don't get things. I know what you say, but you haven't well what they say 'walk the walk'!? You keep telling me things are going to go this way or that way, in which you chose to do neither.

I don't know how much longer I can't stay in this toxic relationship. I'm trying everything to get thru to you and yet you keep saying that your working on it, in which you are not. And I can't say lately I have either. Lately I figure you don't get a damn neither do I, FUCK IT!

But then I go back and I'm like I do love you. I do. Maybe unfortunately maybe not. I don't know anymore what I'm doing. I keep giving you passes. You get these free passes, ya maybe I bring it up later, but it's kinda hard not to when there's actual proof to show you what you do. =/

I don't know what you get out of hurting me.. I don't get it. And sorry just doesn't count. It can't anymore. It's the proof of you changing that will only count.

Your chances are getting limited. I don't think you realize how close it is.

And the fact that then you play this victim game, and say just leave because I'm this or that.. fuck off! You are an ass right now!! But to sit there and act all sad .. a NO! You don't get that right! Sorry you just don't!

I truly hope (and I mean this) that things will get resolved.

I married you with the intentions of living with you for the rest of my life. I remember the day we got married and I believe in it all. It wasn't a celebration to me. It was me saying that I loved you and I wanted to live with you for the rest of my life. Thru the thick and thin and I would do ANYTHING I could to make sure that that's what happened. That I would have a blessed family that was strong and united. Maybe fight but then figure out the problem and make it work. That's what I went into our marriage with.

Guess I don't know what you were thinking.

Choices

Well, I made my choice. I chose to give up fighting against Ed. I chose that before things (eventho we still had issues) were better then they are now. 

I chose to give up on therapy, because it costs money and it's getting us no where. Mainly because there's no work going into it.


I am upset with you. I'm trying and you just think that 'being' is enough. I don't know why you think that just because you got someone to fall in love with you that that would be enough. 


It's really annoying that you always say that your going to do things.. your going to change and yet it's the same thing every time. You want one thing but then don't do the other. 


And you always seem like your annoyed with me. You say you don't mind me talking and yet you always seem like you just wished I would just shut up! I just don't know what to do anymore. *shrugs*


But I made the choice to put 'me' aside so I can concentrate again on everything else. Guess we'll see.