This has taken me awhile. I came up with the topic, because once again apparently Tom doesn't want anything to do with it. In which I have brought it up a few times but Well, It Is What It Is.
What I miss though. Well, if I go back a ways it's the thought that life was going to be different. I was ignorant thinking that I was going to have that white picket fence way of living. And it's not like everything is all bad or anything. (sometimes it is.. you know) It's just I had this picture in my head. This dream.
Dreams I guess are just dreams. Made for a reason.
I do miss the feeling of wanting you to come home and see you. I get that that's harsh. But it's also me. I know that. Mainly because I have no one in the day time. And we both know my trust issues. So I only like to talk with certain ppl, and even then it's questionable. It's just now that's like the only reason why I look forward to seeing you is just to be able to talk to someone or watch a show with someone.
I miss the thought of going out to eat alone and it being enjoyable instead of a task.
I had such high hopes. And it seemed like every time I told you how I was thinking/feeling/wanting it went on a deaf ear. It's always seemed to be about what you want and now I'm trying to take it back. I'm trying to do what I want. Because you did it for so long and I guess it's my turn. Give you a taste of your own medicine.
I miss thinking that I was actually happy.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Again
So eventho we are not on another week I wanted to write anyways. I took the reign:) Sorry.
I don't get you. I can't understand why your ways are always the RIGHT ways. Why you say something happened the way it did when it didn't happen like that.
SO .. tonight. I woke up around 1:30ish and went to the bathroom. And then saw that you were laying lengthwise on the bed (not up and down by side to side). Tried at first to wake you but that didn't work and so then I try pushing you. Which I have no energy to push or no muscle I guess either. You end up turning where your head is like going to the foot of the bed so I was like okay that's fine too as long as I get my side of the bed:) But then I start to push you with my feet. And you end up punching me in my chins. I start to yell at you .. well not yell but I got attitude Big time and you tell me to just get water .. So eventho I knew that it would 'trigger' you.. I got water. Not once but twice. It wasn't until I started to record tho that you really got upset. But it was like seriously you don't even know what's being said or done and in the morning your just going to deny it.. maybe accept it .. but either way it'll happen again. And that's what I'm trying to stop.
Trying to keep this some what short.. for some reason you turned off my computer because I was going to journal. A.. you wouldn't let me upstairs and was telling me to get out of the house..
What was really weird was that you wanted me to show you what I did with trying to get you on the other side of the bed. So I show you .. only for you to kinda be upset or sadden by it to only then get upset to then come back to have me show you again to then again be upset by it going I don't know why I did that. OOH. And also to say about how I lay.. and it's like really you can't push 125lbs ?? Because you pick me up all the time with no problem .. SO you couldn't have just easily moved me over??? I can't do that with you. I don't have the strength. Sorry but I really don't!
Well to say the least, things went further and I really don't want to keep pushing the dagger further and further. That's not what I want nor what I would like for you.
You don't get it do you??!! I don't think you know how to! I SAID I LOVED YOU.. THAT I WOULD STAND NEXT TO YOU FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.. I SAID THAT BEFORE WE EVEN MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!! WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU NOT UNDERSTANDING THAT???
I'm tired of this. I would say you are too but I'm not going to speak for you. Seriously this is getting old tho and I need to figure things out. Do I need to walk away from our relationship or are we really going to WORK on it??? I need that answer.
I know I should develop my own answer but I'm just hoping that you are wanting to work on it
I don't get you. I can't understand why your ways are always the RIGHT ways. Why you say something happened the way it did when it didn't happen like that.
SO .. tonight. I woke up around 1:30ish and went to the bathroom. And then saw that you were laying lengthwise on the bed (not up and down by side to side). Tried at first to wake you but that didn't work and so then I try pushing you. Which I have no energy to push or no muscle I guess either. You end up turning where your head is like going to the foot of the bed so I was like okay that's fine too as long as I get my side of the bed:) But then I start to push you with my feet. And you end up punching me in my chins. I start to yell at you .. well not yell but I got attitude Big time and you tell me to just get water .. So eventho I knew that it would 'trigger' you.. I got water. Not once but twice. It wasn't until I started to record tho that you really got upset. But it was like seriously you don't even know what's being said or done and in the morning your just going to deny it.. maybe accept it .. but either way it'll happen again. And that's what I'm trying to stop.
Trying to keep this some what short.. for some reason you turned off my computer because I was going to journal. A.. you wouldn't let me upstairs and was telling me to get out of the house..
What was really weird was that you wanted me to show you what I did with trying to get you on the other side of the bed. So I show you .. only for you to kinda be upset or sadden by it to only then get upset to then come back to have me show you again to then again be upset by it going I don't know why I did that. OOH. And also to say about how I lay.. and it's like really you can't push 125lbs ?? Because you pick me up all the time with no problem .. SO you couldn't have just easily moved me over??? I can't do that with you. I don't have the strength. Sorry but I really don't!
Well to say the least, things went further and I really don't want to keep pushing the dagger further and further. That's not what I want nor what I would like for you.
You don't get it do you??!! I don't think you know how to! I SAID I LOVED YOU.. THAT I WOULD STAND NEXT TO YOU FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.. I SAID THAT BEFORE WE EVEN MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!! WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU NOT UNDERSTANDING THAT???
I'm tired of this. I would say you are too but I'm not going to speak for you. Seriously this is getting old tho and I need to figure things out. Do I need to walk away from our relationship or are we really going to WORK on it??? I need that answer.
I know I should develop my own answer but I'm just hoping that you are wanting to work on it
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